Between the Shelves

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2010-04-12T09:10:00.001-06:00

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"We've Used Half A Moon, Uselessly Happily" -KJS

2010-04-12T08:38:00.004-06:00

Karl is dead and our lives will be better for it. Not because he was a terrible person, he was profoundly good. He was an incredible person who knew how to live his life like every day mattered and it did.

He was 41 when his heart inexplicably stopped. Julie, his wife, wondered aloud, "How can he be dead when he was so full of life?" There is no good answer, there never is, and all the platitudes in the world won't make it feel better.

A few days before his death Karl underlined, "Yogis know death is the zest in the sauce of life." Death is a hard lesson. It seems profane in the face of death to talk about living but the man was a master teacher to the end and the lesson that keeps vibrating through my soul is to live. Goodbye Karl we love you.

Band Books

2010-03-17T08:23:00.008-06:00

"This book is inappropriate for my daughter. She's just a child! This is becoming a problem."

The offensive book was thrust under my nose with righteous indignation. On the cover was a cat with a magic wand. I think it was titled, "Miss Kitty Learns to Spell." Alright, I made up the title but it's not too far off. I was gearing myself up for something climactic like Sex by Madonna in all it's coffee table size grandeur.

"Ah, I see. Unfortunately, we don't have limitations on our library cards. But you, as her parent, can check her account online with the pin you set up. You, as her parent, can screen materials when they come into your home. You, as her parent, can have a frank and honest discussion about why you feel the material is inappropriate and if she refuses to see reason, ground her ass. Or you, as her parent, can take away her library card.

None of those options is agreeable? You'd like to speak with the manager? I'll see if Mr. B is in. You've already spoken with him about limiting everyone else's access to materials? He didn't agree? Strange."

Crashing Through by Robert Kurson

2010-03-16T09:35:00.008-06:00

The writing wasn't great but the subject was inspiring. Mike May played soccer, tether ball, rode a bike, (indulge me) built a ham radio tower in his backyard, drove a car, downhill speed skier, worked for the FBI, father, entrepreneur. Oh, and blind from 3 to 43. I walked away with his 4 simple rules.

1. Have an adventure
2. Speak to your curiosity
3. Be willing to fall down or get lost
4. There's always a way

My daughter asked me what my scariest experience was and it got me thinking. Surprisingly, there aren't many. The one that came to mind I won't share with her.

I don't consider myself a particularly brave person. I don't have a black belt in martial arts or a freakish ability to heal but with a little distance, there's not a lot to fear. True fear? usually only when it involves someone I love. This whole concept was new to me. Careful, pragmatic that's me. I'm left to wonder when did the fear creep into my life disguised as care and why? go out and live a little, what's the worst that can happen? or better yet what's the best that can happen? In the inimitable words of Oingo Boingo, "there's nothing to fear but fear itself."

Speaking Whale

2009-08-21T08:47:00.005-06:00

Mumbles called. She wanted to know if her hold for Wicked was on the shelf.
"No hold for Wicked, but I do have The Man Who Loved China."
"That's it. I'll be in to pick it up later."

Pause here. At this point, I'm a bit puzzled. There are no similarities between the two books. None. Okay, I exaggerate- both authors are male.
But The Man Who Loved China was indeed what she called about.

My initial thought was perhaps she needs to be evaluated for Alzheimers. Then a flash of insight. I speak this language- fluently. I have a touch of the absent minded professor about me. Maybe that's too grand. Okay, I'm Dory from Finding Nemo.

I embrace speaking whale and the golden rule because someday? that will be me, calling about The Man Who Found Nemo and I'd appreciate a little respect.

Phone Tag

2009-08-18T21:57:00.008-06:00

"Um, its 11:15 and um, I know the library is open. So, I don't know why no one is answering the phone. Um, so, my name is Mnnayan (unintelligible muttering) Reynolds and um, I need you to renew my book The Witches Something, Something, Something. and um, if someone could take care of this and let me know that it's been taken care of um, my number is 555-555-5555."

Yep, oh goody. Mumbling, vague, dissatisfied patron. Library card number? I don't think so. Hmm, nice. Let's see here, Witches Something, Something, Something. Zipp-o. A name search? Reynolds not unique by any stretch. My last, best bet panned out. Phone number. Now for that item... nope not Witches Something, Something at all. Wicked.

I returned her call fifteen minutes later. "You've reached the offices of Unintelligible Reynolds. I'm not able to take your call right now but..." There is a lovely symmetry to it. I left a message of my own.

"Um, so my name is Jenny from the library? and um, I just got your message fifteen minutes ago? I thought someone would be there to take my call but um, anyway...I guess I'll just leave a message and hope someone gets it? and um, tell you Wicked is now renewed."

Miss Nelson is Missing

2009-08-15T08:50:00.006-06:00

A co-worker went missing. She was gone for about a month. A card was sent around. I hate those stupid cards. We don't know where she is or what is going on in her life but someone has to trot out THE card.
The type of card you buy in bulk with bad floral watercolor and cheesy, cliche sentiments. This one said "Thinking of you". The card was placed in my box and had already made the rounds. Most people wrote, "miss you" and "come back soon". For all I know, she won the lotto and is cruising in the Mediterranean. I had two choices, don't sign the card and be the lone jerk who didn't even have the decency to sign a card or be a lemming and sign the card with suitably vague tag line.
I signed the card but I sure wish I'd known she had cancer and a hysterectomy.

Change of Address Gripe

2009-08-13T07:48:00.008-06:00

A short, stocky woman approached the desk.

"I'd like to get a library card."

She filled out the application while I began input from her drivers license.

"Is this your current address?"
"No, it's on the back."
"Sorry, we can't take handwritten change of address. Do you have anything else with your address on it: checkbook, mail, insurance card, hunting license?"
"No, the DMV said just to write my address on the back."
"Yes, I know, they do that now but we need some other verification."
"This is worse than going to prison."

I laughed a little, offhandedly.

"No, I'm serious."

Prison, not jail, prison. I laughed a little, weakly, in an uncertain, wheezy sort of way. Because really, what else am I supposed to say- that would explain the bad haircut? I'm sure it is harder to get a library card than to get processed for prison. But then, people aren't typically trying to get into prison.

Reads

2009-08-10T14:23:00.005-06:00

Here are just a few of the books I've been reading. Sometimes just listing them isn't enough. It feels misleading when I add a book to my list of reads and discover I hate it but such is the reading life. You never really know what you're going to get.

The Worst Hard Time by Timothy Egan: a compelling book that I highly recommend- unless you're teetering on the edge of unemployment during this recession. I just couldn't finish. Vivid descriptions of just what the Dust Bowl entailed and a group of scrappy characters that lived through it.

My secret shame: Twilight & New Moon. I had sworn a solemn vow not to read any of these books. With my head hung low, I admit, I succumbed to peer pressure. Curse you Book Club. Not as bad as I anticipated but certainly not as good as all the hoopla. Pretty sure the book highlighted all the reasons I hated High School (am I the only one that sees the weird new girl wouldn't be hanging with the popular set). Let me rephrase that into a sound bite, all the high school romance and pettiness I dreaded but the werewolf/vampire storyline held my attention.

The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge: truly fascinating insights into the workings of the brain and its adaptivity. This is a front row seat to scientific discovery. I appreciated the personal stories interspersed with all the technical jargon. I must admit to squeemishness about the descriptions of animal experimentation but the sections are well delineated and you could skip it.

Trivia

2009-08-10T08:19:00.002-06:00

It has been painfully, agonizingly slow at work. I'm not good at standby mode. I think mine is broken. So, I've been amusing myself creating slides for the large TV by the help desk. I decided to pop in a few bits of trivia for fun and picked up a few books for reference.

I found myself laughing until tears came to my eyes. Hysterical snorts, the kind you got at 3am watching Strange Brew as a teen. I'm having difficulty gauging the actual funny factor due to the state of my deprivation at the desk.

"The Earl of Oxford exiled himself for 7 years, after he farted in Queen Elizabeth I's presence."

"Would you rather sound like Darth Vader when you breathe or sound like Yoda when you talk?"

I love my job- even when it is slow.

2009-07-21T08:42:00.008-06:00

Ah, note passing. I thought with texting, it had gone the way of the typewriter. It's nice to know some things persist.

Remember the thrill of the note? Hoping the teacher didn't intercept and share it with the class.

I was part of the IBTC club (If you don't know, I won't elaborate), each note was filled with embarrassing imaginary escapades- complete with drawings, and cliff hanger endings. Thank heavens they were never intercepted or I would have died of mortification. But I wish I still had them, they were hilarious.

At the library, a real gen-u-ine note dropped from the leaves of a book, just begging to be read.

Do you like Josh?
Why?
I think he totally likes you.
Why?
Because he was totally looking at your butt.

Pure drivel, but the spelling was excellent. Standing there holding that little square of college ruled paper made me nostalgic.

Monster Mash

2009-07-20T07:33:00.005-06:00

I have seen evil incarnate and he is about four feet tall. I am afraid, very afraid.

Touseled brown hair, he came in with his much larger "host". In hind sight, his choice of books was slightly ominous: ambulance books. He is training to be a lawyer or a homicidal maniac. The single ENF ambulance book on the shelf wasn't enough and he quickly turned on me.

"I want more books!" It may sound innocent enough but I must stress the pitch perfect grating, bone jarring whine in which it was delivered. The parasitic child attached himself to my retreating back after dad said "no".

I sank down at my desk relieved to have a reprieve but, no, it was not to be. I heard a voice from behind, "Why do you have lipstick?" His small hand pointed to the scented highlighters for summer reading.
"Those are for teenagers in the summer reading program. Are you in the summer reading program?"
"No, but I want one."
"Sorry, hon. It's only for the kids in the program."
"But I want it."

On and on in that voice. I maintained a firm but shaky grasp on my desire to throttle the boy. I'm ashamed to admit, I've never been so relieved to see a patron go.

Bearer of bad news birthday

2009-07-09T17:07:00.005-06:00

"Happy Birthday!"

"Uh, thanks. So, ah, isn't that your car... in the lot... with it's window broken out?"

I've never had much social finesse. And I don't know if there is a good time to mention to someone that their car has been vandalized. But the juxtaposition stinks.

Sigh. Crummy.

On a lighter note, hubby mentioned we've been together as long as I lived with my parents (weird, right)... and that they've been like dog years (had my teen rebellion/midlife crisis)... and that if they were in dog years I'd be dead (sweet).
Happy Birthday to me.

The Special Olympian and Keith Richards

2009-07-09T08:48:00.006-06:00

This kid was larger than life. A natural salesman. "That's okay, John, I've got it. You can go." He dismissed the man with a wave of his hand. He leaned on the desk, exuding the confidence of a man you'd ask for his autograph, despite his army jacket and coke bottle glasses. His parents were storm chasers and he talked about the strange cloud formations and odd weather patterns we'd been having.

It may sound ridiculous but he had such charisma that even though he came in with a group of mentally handicapped adults, I wasn't sure if he was one of them- until he pulled out his photocopied state ID.

"I think I should tell you something... I'm in the Special Olympics tomorrow." His enthusiasm and pride were infectious. Amazing kid.

In other news: I would like to officially welcome Keith Richards to the library.

Be Patient, I'm Sure Something Will Come to Me

2009-07-06T15:36:00.005-06:00

Dear Reader,
Thank you for your patience. It's been a wild ride and I'm only beginning to get my head back in the game. The man was laid off, only to find a new job three days later (amazing, I know). I've been busy acquiring my red cross packet as outlined in the Gurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. Truthfully, no, but I have acquired an alarming amount of toilet paper and laundry detergent. It's amazing what begins to matter when it's affordability becomes uncertain.

Men in Kilts

2009-06-10T08:19:00.005-06:00

The audio book version seemed like a good idea while I paint the kitchen. Bad, bad idea when the book is Outlander. It began innocently enough. The voice over my speakers sounded like Julie Andrews. Mary Poppins was reading me a story.

Not too mushy with a strong, intelligent, funny female protagonist. I've never been a big fan of the romantic novel. Something about willingly suspending my disbelief but maybe this won't be so bad.

Not so bad until Mary Poppins began narrating the first sex scene and the boy chose that inauspicious moment to come downstairs. Paint or no, I sprinted to the stereo but I got there a little too late. Thanks, bookclub.

Tale o' the Twister

2009-06-08T18:46:00.005-06:00

I worked this weekend. 20 minutes after opening, the power goes out. A definite inconvenience in a modern library. I was still able to locate the Tempest, the Hobbit, and the Giver. I just couldn't check them out.

The policy is to escort patrons out if we have a prolonged power outage. Sorry, scouts. No pack meeting today. Oh, oops, can't take off the massive room deposit. Out with you munchkins and take your neckerchiefs with you. All other patrons out-check.

Alarms blaring, weather radio chattering unintelligibly. What's that? A tor-na-do warning? Nice. We just sent the patrons out of the library. Step 2 call the manager. No cell phone, no pager, no go. Step 3 call the electrical company. Wrong number, get number, very helpful prerecorded message about a power outage in our area. Moving right along, we were herded into the public restrooms. Did I mention I live FIVE minutes away? I can sit in a dark public restroom with my coworkers or go home and relax in my very comfortable basement. Against "the list's" sage advice, we didn't stay in the bathroom. Next, we tackled the blaring alarms- with no light. The brilliant person in charge took care of the alarms by the light of our emergency cell phone. No flashlights.

Where are my ruby slippers when I need them? There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Two and a half hours after my shift began, I got my wish.

Renovations

2009-06-05T08:55:00.003-06:00

Under construction- my kitchen, that is. When I'm not cleaning, tiling, grouting, cleaning, painting, etc. I'm looking at kitchen porn (643ish).

Socially Awkward Lessons From An Introvert

2009-05-22T07:26:00.006-06:00

The library offers me a new challenge everyday. Part of what I love is the interaction with our patrons. Sometimes a patron will have a difficulty and it's my job to make them feel comfortable. Sometimes I fail miserably in my eagerness but here are a few things I've learned.

Yesterday a regular patron stopped in the library but he wasn't wearing his glasses and I realized he has a lazy eye. I had heard you look at the "good" eye. Well, I tried that but I'm still not sure it was the right one. Which means I'm pretty sure it was the wrong one. Next time, I'll look at the bridge of the nose.

We have patrons who are hard of hearing. Look at them squarely, speak clearly, gestures are helpful.

I've encountered a gentleman with severe stuttering. At the time, I thought I'd help him out by anticipating the end of his question. Now I know, NOT helpful. I'm ashamed I didn't offer him the common courtesy of hearing him out. Next time, I'll do better.

Common hindrances to listening.
Having preconceived notions regarding the speaker or the message that taint one’s ability to truly hear what is being said;
Anticipating what is being said and thus never actually listening;
Contemplating their response while the speaker is talking;
Having personal issues or outside distractions compete with the message;
Reacting emotionally and thus missing the entire message.
Neukrug (1999)

Small steps in the right direction. In forty years, I'll be omnipotent.

Heat Wave

2009-05-20T07:36:00.005-06:00

The "green" heating and a/c at the library is anything but reliable. Typically, I dress like an onion, in layers. I suppose there is something to the stereotype of a librarian wearing a sweater and woolen stockings. Just doing my part to perpetuate that stereotype.

But yesterday, we simmered. At least 80 degrees with no respite in sight. I suppose I could have shucked the sweater and rolled my slacks up to my thighs but as a rule management frowns on "casual Tuesdays".

*Things that make you go hmmm- Our resident handyman quit and today was his last day.

Unwelcome Visitor

2009-05-19T17:57:00.003-06:00

"There's a spider back in the fiction." The large man visibly pales and assumes a defensive position behind the desk.

arach·no·pho·bia: pathological fear or loathing of spiders.

"I'll take care a lot of things but spiders are not one of them."

His female coworker went to take a look. There it sat, at eye level, comfortably waiting on a display book- The Unwelcome Guest, like a furry black and yellow gumball. The spider made its escape down the back of the shelves, free to terrify and harass another day. Until our eight legged friend is apprehended, the man will not go into the fiction section.

Dorian Gray and Mrs. X

2009-05-17T12:31:00.005-06:00

I attended the same church as Mrs. X and we carpooled together. I gave her kids a tour of the library.
"Bookworm, hi! I was just wondering if you could help me? We live over in unincorporated city and so I can only check out ten items. That makes it really difficult with home school. Sometimes ten just isn't enough. Is there anything you can do about that?"
"Nothing I can do about the designation but if your kids don't have cards you can sign them up and then they're eligible for ten items each, as well."
"Golly gee, that's swell!"
My coworker gave me stink eye and flagged me down after my exchange with Mrs. X. "Did she ask you about checking out more items?"
"Yep, I just told her to get her kids library cards. Why?"
"She came in last night and was so rude. She ranted at two of us about not being able to check out more videos. We neglected to tell her about getting additional cards."

Maximum Security

2009-05-15T14:18:00.007-06:00

"Hello, I'm with Top Notch Security Systems. I'll be sending a technician to fix your keypad entry today and I just need to get the entry code from you."
Long pause.
"No, I won't give you the code over the phone but I'd be happy to tell your technician when he gets here."
This is not what he wanted to hear but I dazzled him with my logic. Call me paranoid but it doesn't take a genius to read the note our helpful leader posted on the back door- "Keypad does not work. Top Notch Security will come by today to fix it."

We All Need A Little Romans

2009-05-15T07:39:00.006-06:00

A trio of teen girls needed some help. While I was doing a catalogue search for teen A, teen B asks if I knew where "Roman books" were. I gave her my most penetrating stare which seems to make my ears work better. "The Romans?" I clarified. She must have a speech impediment. She turned to her friend for understanding and said,

"you know the Romans books."
"Quit the fake accent."
"It's naught fake!"

Teen girls, dramatic aspirations ding ding ding, ah, romance. After escorting them back to the fiction section, teen A came back to ask where the paperbacks were located.

"The paperbacks are with the Romans in Fiction."

H1N1

2009-05-11T07:49:00.002-06:00

These days the kids have one more thing to worry about. A coworker was discussing "Swine Influenza" with her niece.

"You know, Sweetie, it's not called Swine Flu anymore."
She pointed to its new moniker, H1N1, "now, they're calling it this."
"It's the Heinie flu now?!"

So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

2009-05-10T09:53:00.006-06:00

With the simple touch of a button. The power. Initiate gag reflex. Clear out the office. Unlike popcorn or lasagna with it's come hither aroma, unlike any other smell known to microwave- ah, the mystery that is fish.

Our fearless "Fit for Life" leader has brought fish for lunch twice this week. She was perplexed to find no sign of life in the office when she finished her repast. This is unsettling to a super. She found all of us far, far away, huddled at the front desk breathing shallow but necessary breaths.

Seemingly unaware of the havoc her lunch had wrought on productivity, she quizzed us. "Who's supposed to be on desk? Why are you all out here?" There was no graceful way around it. One brave coworker spoke up. "No offense, but the fish smell's really bad. I can't go back there." She somewhat sheepishly reasserted the directive- "Back to work." Suck it up, buttercup. I can say that because I was assigned to the front desk.

Addendum A: to be added to break room etiquette: Do NOT cook fish in the microwave or there may be a revolt.

Baby Birds and Ladybugs

2009-05-07T07:26:00.008-06:00

An elderly woman extends her elbow and says, "Would you like a ladybug?" "Ladybugs are supposed to be good luck. Are you sure you want to give it away?"

I gently coaxed it from her sleeve and watched it crawl along my hand as I made my way outside. I passed my branch manager on the way out the door (I can only imagine what he was thinking). I made it outside and when I looked again it was gone. I can't remember the last time I took such childish pleasure in a ladybug. Thank you.

After work, I went to pick up my daughter at the park and was immediately surrounded by teenagers. "There's an emergency." I was thinking an emergency along the lines of "I need a ride home".

The girls parted and I could see a boy gently cradling a napkin. He looked for all the world a proud papa as he showed me the tiniest baby bird I have ever seen. No bigger than a quarter, his translucent skin not yet covered by pin feathers, he lay swaddled in the boy's hand.

In the top of an evergreen, we finally found the nest. It was a mound of dried grass with a few candy wrappers added for color. It had no opening or hollow in which to place the baby. The boy carefully used a stick and made a hollow for the baby bird.

I was so touched by the concern these kids had for such a helpless creature. It was beautiful to see the care they took to help the baby bird and the obvious pride and relief when it was over. There's still hope and tenderness in the world. Kids still have it. I'm doubly blessed.
*and that boy has permission to date my daughter.

Break Room Etiquette

2009-05-06T06:28:00.004-06:00

Dear Abby,
A fellow employee came to bookclub with new baby (aw) and hubby in tow. We told her she could use the break room but little did I know she planned a three course family meal in there.

The first time I came in to use the microwave, the baby's bottle was in it. I came back later to find the main course in the micro with veggies awaiting their turn. My baleful look was not enough. She did not get the hint.

"Are you about done there?" She turned from slicing the fruit, "Oh, did you need the microwave?"

I was not loittering around the cozy scene to bask in their one-ness. I wanted my hotwings! Yes, YES, I wanted the microwave. I have 15 minutes to shovel food in my mouth during my break. Out of my way, lady.

Am I being unreasonable? Help!

Signed, Microwave Madame

La La La La

2009-05-05T07:26:00.006-06:00

Summer is upon us. My Kids Club just ended and as much as I enjoyed the little ones, I was looking forward to a break. It looks like the powers that be have other ideas- other ideas like Twinkle Babies.

Twinkle Babies is a class for the wee little ones, 1-22 months. So, what that means is... now I get to look forward to singing and fingerplays. Singing to a room full of adults and their infants. Singing somewhat nervously and off key with dubious lyrics. I guess this means I can't just mouth wa-ter-me-lon. The babies won't know the difference but the adults might.

Wonder how long it will take them to realize what a truly hideous mistake they've made. Meanwhile, I better bone up on "Rock A Bye Baby" -on second thought maybe not the best action song. "Row Row Row Your Boat" -rats! I only know the "throw your teacher over the boat" version.

Queenie takes on the Swine Flu

2009-05-03T13:15:00.010-06:00

Nothing to fear. Queenie is here. She has decided to take on the swine flu because no one is doing anything about it. Who knew she could forestall a pandemic from her apartment building. I don't know about you, but I feel much better. No need to get hysterical.

"This is Queenie. I need you to go to the website for the CDC and get me their phone and fax number. Now, I need the same thing for the World Health Organization, that's W-H-O. There must be a fax number. I have to have the fax number."

**Warning, blatantly false statement follows**

"We need to kill ALL the pigs. It's the pigs that are making us sick. You get swine flu from eating pork."

When my coworker tried to dissuade her from this inaccuracy he got an ear full and then she got a dial tone. When she calls tomorrow, I'm all ready with the president's home number and the Pentagon's phone and fax.

Versus

2009-04-29T08:17:00.002-06:00

Putting together a "Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood" slide show gave me the chance to ask some questions. Nothing too personal but relevant to patrons. It really was a fascinating little glimpse of my coworkers inner cogs. How much can you tell about a person by their choice of simple things? How did they approach the question/answer?

Versus Question: Einstein or Shakespeare, Stones or Beatles (had to sleep on it), ketchup or mustard, Superman or Spiderman, vanilla or chocolate, call or write, mood ring or Magic 8 ball.

One coworker thought I said "verses" and was able to instantly give me quotes from Einstein and Shakespeare. I was impressed. Sadly, my memory chip lacks the storage capacity for such endeavors. No, no, (I don't require anything I can't do myself) just choose one.

Currently reading: Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder (Not very impressive, I know. If I say I'm reading it for the recipes, is that like saying I read it for the articles?)
Favorite book as a child: A Wrinkle in Time
3 things on my ipod: Backdoor Slam, This American Life podcast, Devil Doll

The Inquisitors

2009-04-24T08:04:00.002-06:00

If you can be sure of one thing, it's this--Kids ask questions, lots of questions. (The other is that they say all kinds of things about you in carpool. Things you'd rather not be discussed.)
We talked about Earth Day for Kids Club. I, brilliant strategist that I am, thought I could give a brief intro to Earth Day and move on.

"Earth Day started on April 22nd 1970. I wasn't even born yet."
"Hey, my dad was born in 1953 and my mom was born in 1968. He is 56 and my mom is 41. How old are you?"
"How old do you think I am?"
"50 or something."

"So, Earth Day began because there was an oil spill in the ocean and it was really yucky and bad for the environment and it made people think about taking care of the earth."
"Where did it spill?" "How did it spill?" "How did they clean it up" "How much did it spill? Like a cup or something?"

My 20 second perusal of the internet did not provide me with the specifics. There's no skimming or faking it with these little inquisitors. And I thought they'd just want to read our stories and make rain sticks.

Puppets and Depression: a dangerous mix.

2009-04-22T08:20:00.004-06:00

"Hello, everybody (try it in a breathless Marilyn voice). Mind if I sit with you awhile? Nice to meet you (pause, remember to breathe). My name is the emotional bomber (maintain eye contact). Do you have the time (involve the audience)? My watch seems to be broken."

A puppeteering workshop. Craptastic. I just love group role play. Especially when I may break into spontaneous tears in front of coworkers. If my brain were functioning I might be able to play it off as an intentional and wholly rational reaction to Humpty Dumpty. Alas.

The workshop was amazing despite my sullen, introverted appearance, I really was paying attention.

Don't Think So

2009-04-21T08:25:00.003-06:00

I went out of town for a little R&R. Apparently while I was out, my sweet little crew transformed into little stinkers. I've got a couple of little guys that get a bit rambunctious but certainly not disrespectful.

My poor replacement got her fill of "NO!" and "we don't want to see your stupid book". I'm not sure she'll be as keen to teach my class next session. She's under the distinct impression that I put up with that crap weekly.

I appreciate she thinks I have the patience of Mother Theresa, but the reality is I'm a redhead. No, Homey don't play that. I try to nip misbehavior in the bud- preferably with humor and distraction.

*Hubby thought it was hilarious I'd gone ghetto (he'd never seen Homey D. Clown) so, thought I better change the picture.

Automation Salvation

2009-04-20T02:24:00.002-06:00

The powers that be decided to automate the backroom. Jettsons here we come. Envision a conveyor belt that sorts library materials into separate bins! It would take up the entire back room but that's the price of progress.

A few minor problems: We need about 12 bins, it would do 6. Oh, and all those DVDs and CDs? Yeah, they need to be hand checked to make sure they have the media in the cases. Damaged materials? Mhmm, gotta have eyeballs for that too.

Who sells this stuff anyway? They must have Hypno-glasses or something. I wondered why the managers were clucking at our last meeting. Sometimes it would be helpful if the upper echelon asked the peons for our input.

Final Word: I was thrilled to hear the configuration of our backroom wouldn't work with the conveyor belt. Sometimes fate intercedes on your behalf.

Flu Fighters

2009-04-18T09:55:00.001-06:00

"I have a bunch of fines I need to pay. The kids have had the flu and this is the first chance I've had to get over here."

She proffers me the Germ Delivery Device- her library card. I try not to cringe as I take the card. Too bad I left my haz mat suit in the locker. I wonder how long I can hold my breath?

As soon as the coast is clear, I casually make my way to the gallon size pump of salvation. Thank you, Germ-X. I breathe easier just knowing you're here.

In Good Company

2009-04-17T08:10:00.003-06:00

Okay, so I went to get my hair colored. (Just admit it, it's not like you didn't notice.) This time I decided to change the color a little since my coworker co-opted my previous color.

It just struck me as weird to walk around with matching hair. Guess I'm not much of a team player. I didn't even coordinate outfits with friends in high school.

Anyway, as you can see, I went a little darker. It looked good on the plastic ring of hair I used as my guide. But now, here I sit with more matching hair woes, only this time Ronald McDonald and Bozo have kindred coiffures.

I'll be avoiding stripes and polka dots for a while.

Code Name: The Bearded Man

2009-04-16T07:16:00.001-06:00

Queenie called the library today.
"This is Queenie. I need to talk to the bearded man on the computers."

I responded with the appropriate code phrase.
"The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains."

Okay, I didn't really but who calls the library, expects to be known and demands to speak to the bearded man on the computer? She was lucky there was only one bearded man. He was not so fortunate. I would recommend he shave the beard.

Mysterious Outbreak Among Playgroup

2009-04-15T07:25:00.005-06:00

Just as suddenly as it occurred, the mysterious outbreak has cleared leaving behind a telltale rash of overdue library fines. Women have swarmed the library claiming hospitalizations for their children are the root cause of overdue materials.

The children have recovered but only a heartless miser would extract payment for the period in question. That ten cents a day is downright disgraceful. How can I sleep at night? Soon, they'll be calling me Jimmy the Torch.

As any concerned parent would, I offered to waive the usurious fees. I pulled up the account and with a light heart waived the outstanding two dollar fines accrued. My halo glowed as I basked in good will and solidarity.

"What about the rest of the fines on the account?"
"Um, those would be previous to the hospitalization."
"Oh, right. So, I still have to pay them?"

Young Love

2009-04-14T08:36:00.002-06:00

"Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?" At yon library, "studying" with Juliet- they study a lot at the library. I'm sure mom and dad are thrilled they have taken up such an interest in books. What an exceptionally studious young man and to think we misjudged him so!

The two young lovers can't seem to stay away from the Adult Fiction section (technically they should be in Adult Nonfiction 822.33 shakespe). But apparently, they haven't yet read the play or they'd get out now before it was too late. Maybe it's a simple misunderstanding of the term "Adult".

We get occasional complaints from other patrons made uncomfortable by the couple's magnetic hips and lips. I take the "louder is better approach" and make like an elephant before approaching the balcony. Sometimes I am rewarded with a pause in activities. Other coworkers have tried: being direct, shame, supervision, or the "ignore it and it will go away (in 9 months)" approach. I can't say which is better but what I can say is- be suspicious when your youngster shows a sudden and inexplicable interest in the library. Perhaps, come browse the Adult Fiction section occasionally, unannounced.

Unicorns and Cougars

2009-04-13T01:22:00.002-06:00

A boy of about 11 came to the desk. "Excuse me. I need to find some books on the transmission of a 1973 Cougar Mercury. My dad bought it for me for Valentine's Day and now we're working on it together." It was as if I'd seen of a unicorn.

This was one of the training scenarios I was fairly certain I would never encounter in the real world. Almost word for word- except the bit about Valentine's Day. After all, it would require a man asking automotive advice from a librarian. I sensed a set up and looked around me for conspirators. Nope, just one very expectant little boy.

The boy was polite, concise and knew exactly what he wanted and we had an automotive database that met his requirements. Yes, Virginia, there are unicorns.

Child Minder

2009-04-08T19:54:00.012-06:00

I'm not sure what this doohicky does but it sure looks spiffy. Maybe it administers a mild shock when the two units get too far away from eachother. Maybe it could be programmed to say things like, "No, Jimmy don't climb on the bookcases you could fall and hurt yourself."

Or you could just not leave your toddler unsupervised with the children's videos while you browse. (Nope, leaving the four year old in charge doesn't count.) True, he was entertained while pulling out all the videos on one shelf. Fun times for all.

And I appreciated that when you noticed me come over, you picked him up. But, oops, you must have forgotten to pick up the mess your child left. Yep, we kind of have to keep everything in its place. We get a little persnickety when we have to keep track of thousands of items. I mean it's not like we just have to look after one or two.

*FYI the playlist may not always reflect the post. Sadly, if it's always on topic it stinks. So, this one is a personal reference.

Inappropriate Sharing

2009-04-03T07:47:00.008-06:00

A word to the wise: NEVER begin a funny anecdote with "my cousin is severely handicapped" (he's a very funny guy). And when you notice that goes over like a lead balloon, whatever you do, DON'T forge ahead by mentioning male genitalia! Trust me on this, you severely misjudged your audience. STOP already. It doesn't help that he says "hi" to a little old lady.
And, sadly, her reply just isn't enough to carry all the collateral damage- but I still think it's pretty funny.

"Oh, isn't that sweet. He's saying happiness!"

*Just take my word for it and DON'T share with your co-workers, who will give you strange looks and question your sense of humor.

Be Kind to Your Servers

2009-03-29T10:06:00.009-06:00

A lovely woman called the library to see why she couldn't download audio books. Alas, she is not a resident. That means she does not contribute to our resource pool. But as a courtesy, we allow use of the facilities and 10 items to be checked out for such patrons.

She was extremely upset by our policy. Her solution was to tell her home library to curtail privileges for our towns patrons. Fair is fair. Indeed.

Had I been feeling a bit more devious, an imperceptible bump in our conversation could have sent us on a different course. I would have been extremely helpful and used the mirroring skills I learned in countless training classes.

I understand your sentiments completely. It must be very frustrating. I am just so sorry you are that unhappy with our services. I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you, I'm just going to go right ahead and delete your account. There. No. No, need to thank me. Happy I could help. You just have a great day! Oh, sure. My name is Bula.

Call me crazy, but there is a reason you are coming to our library. Perhaps a more constructive approach would be to ask your library to update their own system and buy their own e resources.

Oh, and lady would you mind getting out of our meeting room on time. We still close at the same time, every single Friday night. And, yes, there are other places we'd like to be.

Mixed Tape

2009-03-25T14:59:00.015-06:00

Back in the day, you didn't make a mixed tape just for anyone. And if you got a mixed tape, it wasn't just a mixed tape, it was a mystery. What exactly did "Sister Christian" mean as the second song on the B side?

So I'm a little confused. A patron has now made me two CD mixes. A Valentine's Day Mix (duplicated from his girlfriend's copy) and an all jazz mix (Get 'er Done Mix-for house cleaning-not making this up).

He makes no secret of his S.O. He seems like a really nice guy. But let's just say I get a gold star when it comes to misinterpreting mixed tapes. It's a miracle I married. So, I'm asking you- weird or nice? What's a gal to do?

On second thought, what does it matter? I'm not a thirteen year old girl anymore. Empathy get thee hence.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever U Are

2009-03-24T07:30:00.005-06:00

To the novice Scrabble player, Q is a valuable tile but worthless without U. Some people need you to screw up so they feel valuable.

You know the ones I'm talking about. They are masters of: the eye roll with throaty exhalation, impatient dismissal (hand wave, back turn), public chastisement, "I'm so busy" walk. Ah, the makings of a leader. I just thank my lucky stars she leads no one but herself. With any actual power she would be ruthless.

Sadly, I'm not much good at the games people play but I've been practicing (avoidance mainly). I'm adding to my list of Q no U words. I continue to use my Qwerty keyboard, focus my Qi and tuck a TranQ in my back pocket. I haven't decided yet if it's for me or her.

Disturbing:

2009-03-23T12:27:00.003-06:00

Found: mini bottles and condoms in the mens restroom at a member library. Try as I might, there are very few innocuous scenarios that come to mind. I just hope George Michael was visiting and no one told me.

Gone to the Dogs

2009-03-23T12:25:00.001-06:00

Perhaps it's a transplant gone horribly wrong. A rather refined gentleman regularly comes into the library with an unusual accessory. I've never seen him without it. I'm a little puzzled because it complicates checking the catalog or holding books. No, it's not a man purse. He carries his little Jack Russell terrier with him. It's not a helper dog unless being an emotional crutch qualifies. I just don't get it.

Strangers

2009-03-20T08:52:00.003-06:00

"Strangers are bad people. If I can't see you, they will take you away and do terrible things to you."

The little blond boy stood in front of the fish tank-- surrounded by strangers. This little guy is about four so a bad person would be someone who: takes his toy, hits him, or gets angry with him. What about the nice man that gives him candy and wants his help finding his puppy?

It's essential to teach your kids about "stranger danger" and personal safety but please do it right. A few months ago, I had a lost child of about 6 in the library. I was wearing my badge, I didn't get too close and squatted down to his level to see if I could help. The poor kid was terrified. He said "NO" loudly and sprinted around the library looking for mom.

The world would be a scary place if all strangers were bad people. If nothing else, teach your little one to ask someone at a desk for help or a woman (sorry men, statistically true). They need to know there are good people, too and how to tell the difference.

Schooled by a 6 year old

2009-03-20T08:34:00.005-06:00

"That's really cool."
"We don't say cool."
"What do you say then."
"Lots of words. Words like interesting."
What a smarty pants.
I mean, what a precocious child.

The Download

2009-03-19T08:35:00.001-06:00

It was only a matter of time. Runescape was the order of the day but now World of Warcraft calls. The boy was at the library again. Not a lot of entertainment options when you have no wheels and live in a small town. As parents, we adhere to Draconian measures and only allow one hour of computer time at the library. Poor boy. It really stinks mom is there to enforce the rules. So an hour and a half later, he's still at the computer. I gave him the boot.

"But mom, it's not done downloading yet. I haven't even gotten to play!"

Sorry, kid. Even if I believed it took an hour and a half to download WoW, you just wasted that time sitting slack-jawed looking at the monitor. Walk ten feet and a world of books is at your fingertips. Not a book? Perhaps a graphic novel to entice you while you wait. I know, I'm old but I still get the appeal. It looks like a cool game but so many of these kids don't even know how to carry on a conversation or entertain themselves without technology. They come in as soon as school lets out and they're there until the library closes. There may not even be a bathroom break. So, sorry kid but I love ya. Now step away from the monitor.

Goosebumps vs. Romance Novels

2009-03-17T08:21:00.007-06:00

Don't ask me if Goosebumps is okay for your kindergartner. You know your kid better than I do and I just haven't gotten around to reading them yet myself. My kids didn't read them but they were sensitive to that stuff.

In elementary school, I, myself, was fascinated with all things supernatural. At one point, my folks barred me from any book dealing with ghosts, witches, or vampires at my school library (I'd read most of them anyway). In hindsight, not the best course because then they also had the allure of "forbidden". Not to mention, I had more time to peruse mom's paperbacks with the covers torn off.

Pop Quiz: Which quote is from Goosebumps and which is from a romance novel?

"I shivered and pulled my jacket closer. "Wait up, Terri!" I called. As usual, she had plowed ahead. Graveyards get her all excited."

"The call girl's naked thigh made a sucking sound on the limousine's black leather upholstery as she scooted her miniskirted bottom closer to President-Elect Ferguson."

That Guy

2009-03-17T07:37:00.006-06:00

A Regular set off the security on his way out the door and I rechecked his items. He sheepishly pulled a book from his pack. "I checked this one out last time." The book dealt with bipolar kids and he seemed a little embarrassed about it. If the book is for him, which I've learned is a big assumption, he didn't need to be embarrassed. I wanted to reassure him. Say, hey, looks like we're in the same boat. But that's a little like going to the grocery store and having someone comment on your Preparation H. So, I just "rechecked" the book out to him and told him to have a nice day. Sometimes people are just looking for normalcy. They don't want to be "that guy with the bp kid." They just want to be "that guy."

For You

2009-03-15T10:05:00.012-06:00

My husband turned forty. I've had him almost as long as his parents did. More often than not, we finish each others sentences. The beautiful thing about being together so long is I know him and he knows me. The trinity: body, mind, and spirit. I have been with him and we have evolved together. We understand each other deeply. I am grateful for his reflection and insights into my life. In good times and bad, he is the truest mirror.
So, I know it's late and to my mind, unfinished but this is for you.

the truest mirror
my interior landscape laid bare
fields both desolate and verdant before you
student of my raging calm seas, both terrible and beautiful
and the peaceful tree at the center where I sit

Easter Craft

2009-03-13T21:18:00.001-06:00

Our budget has been slashed and drastic measures need to be taken. But with a little thought and some creativity, I don't think it will affect the quality of the childrens' programming. I've already thought of a fun, inexpensive, craft for easter. One box ought to be plenty. Although, I think I'll have the kids decorate their slippers with bunnies and we'll read books about Peter Cotton Tail. I like to have a nice tidy theme.

Queenie

2009-03-13T21:13:00.002-06:00

Now, "Queenie" is well known in the library. There is no last or first name on her license. It just says Queenie (not really but close). A better name could not have been chosen. I had the privilege of talking with her on the phone for 25 minutes. Time stretched and expanded and it seemed an eternity.

She has bugs. A veritable highway across the tendrils of her indoor plants and so many bugs outside! What plants could be planted and what organic home remedies could be used? I need at least five books. They need to be specific. I want one by Rodale Press they're good. Japanese beetles are the worst and aphids, mosquitoes, how about powder mildew? What does it say about that? I heard you can mix up cayenne pepper. What is the exact recipe for that? It has to be organic. I want 5 internet articles printed out on the topic. No, I'll stay on the line. Two heads are better than one. I don't have internet and I don't want my number your computer, I want you to call me when they get in.

Believe it or not, there are actually other patrons that need assistance. I tried to politely extricate myself a number of times but to no avail. She was just getting started. I finally had to be abrupt and end it. Less than a minute later, she called back to say she's pick up the items tomorrow. I did not answer that call. I was catatonic.

I have a natural aversion to telephones and now I'm practically phobic. She's an elderly woman and has difficulty getting around, so, I was more accommodating than usual. If her name is any indication, I would surmise her egocentric attitude is not a new condition. I'd bet she was just as demanding as a spry young thing. I enjoy helping people but I'm not a personal shopper. I'm not here to weed your garden. Ackk! Sorry, felt a rant coming on. Don't call me. I'll call you.

Conundrum

2009-03-11T08:17:00.005-06:00

A Million and One Baby Names fell in the bookdrop but a telltale slip of paper peeked from its covers. The last patron left two papers in the book, one titled 'Boy' and the other 'Girl'. Each list had names, meanings and some personal comment (Great Grandfather Alpheus Melvin). I could look up the previous borrower and reconnect them with the list but that's a no no.
I had a crisis of conscience. We agonized over our daughter's name. We were so desperate we even sat through movie credits for ideas. I empathized with the loss of the list. But I also remember my older brother reading the Sunday comics over my shoulder and it drove me wild. In the end, I decided the spector of big brother peering over the patron's shoulder was worse, even if well intentioned. So the list is in lost and found.

Language at the Library

2009-03-10T07:29:00.004-06:00

A substantial woman came into the library to report a group of teens, out front, swearing and talking about drugs. She was concerned about the children coming into the library overhearing the language. No, they were not actually in the library. She, herself, swore like a sailor and now her two year old drops the f bomb but still.
So, I steeled myself to confront the terror of teen boys (is there a name for a group of teens? like a gaggle of geese? I think 'terror' works but I digress.) Honestly, I had no real power here. I knew it and if they had a brain between them they knew it. I considered not doing anything. I envisioned a group of red eyed, mall rats eager to prove their prowess.
I mentally expanded into Big Mama, my alter ego in such situations. Listen, you little punk arse, who the heck do you think you are? Using that kind of language in front of little children. Now move that skinny butt on out of here or I'll do it for you.
For whatever reason, this time, Big Mama decided to take a kinder gentler approach. "Hey, listen, guys, can I ask you a favor? There's a patron inside who's concerned about the language. There are little ones that come in and out of the library that might overhear, so, could you tone it down for me?"
"Oh, sorry, my bad. Sure, no problem."
I had to smile a little when I turned and heard, "Dude! You're gonna get us kicked out of here." I underestimated them and Big Mama.

Just a Kid

2009-03-02T07:48:00.007-07:00

My boy turned 15. It doesn't seem possible. I remember like it was yesterday, when I went into labor. One thought kept running through my head- I changed my mind. I don't want to do this. Wait, wait, do over.

Now he's fifteen and we only have a few years left until 18 and I keep thinking- wait, do over. I didn't know anything.

He'll be starting drivers ed today. I keep thinking- no, he's not ready. He's just a kid. He'll kill himself. Then, I have a flashback of myself learning to drive and I want to throw myself over the hood of the car. Somehow, I don't think that would prevent him from driving it. I would just be a rather unwieldy hood ornament.

But it's not about me. That's the whole point.

You can't know the joy of riding a bike without a few skinned knees. I had to keep the anxiety out of my face then, too. I had to clean out the gravel, even though I knew it hurt and give him the bike to help him try again.

Buckle up, relax my death grip on the armrest, and breathe. That's my strategy. And please, keep your learning to drive stories to yourself (for a year or so, then I'll have a few to add myself).

He's off. Do you think he'll keep on the helmet?

All Day Training- Smells Like Teen Spirit

2009-02-28T09:10:00.009-07:00

People Maps. That's right. We got to take another assessment test. I felt like a lab rat. I learned I am a People Free Spirit. Basically, what that boils down to is-the big boss has a building full of people free spirits and no way of relating to them. By the by, I guess I should use the hyphen, lest you think my boss is using a ouija board to communicate with non-human entities at the library. No, no ancient indian burial grounds here.

Just a building full of perceptive, easily bored, "master problem solvers", who just want everyone to do their jobs and let us do ours. We like to start projects but not finish them. Jack of all trades master of none sort of thing. Oh, and let's have fun while we do it. (We don't like 8 hour meetings. Especially compulsory ones, that end in taking everyone's scores to assess the organization.) I can see that information may be a little disheartening for a manager to discover. The bad news is: you were right. We really don't want you around or necessarily need you around. Ouch, that sounds unduly harsh. Let's go to happy hour.

I think the first clue might have been the diverse background of our motley crew: banking, education, law, philosophy, yoga, art, advertising, etc. The good news is: there's a great deal of varied expertise in one spot. Uh, how 'bout we all like doughnuts? Can we agree on that? Just get the variety pack.

George

2009-02-23T14:45:00.007-07:00

The car's invisibility shield must be down because this is the second speeding ticket I've gotten in the last month. The officer was very nice.

"This is my dream car. I just love it. That is one beautiful machine. If I had this car, I would love it and wash it and pet it and I would call it George." She stroked the side of the car.

There is something slightly unnerving about a police officer quoting a Bugs Bunny cartoon, fondling your car, and then giving you a ticket. I think maybe she should have paid me.

Sadly, with the economy down and the police department looking to me to augment their budgetary constraints, I've gotta reign in George. It's cruise control for me, baby. Sorry, George, you've been a bad, bad, boy.

SWM Looking for Any

2009-02-18T08:36:00.005-07:00

Ten minutes before closing, a man in his 40's leans across the counter and hands me his DVDs. He gets himself comfortable before he begins his "I'm such a sad sack" spiel. The alcohol on his breath left vapor trails. He called up his X-girlfriend on Valentines Day to see if she had a nice time with his best friend. Yada yada yada. I think he was trying to work his magic here. It was all I could do to resist.

Can our computers access singles sites? He then gives me his hook for the singles site. (Which I won't share because why kick a guy when he's doing it just fine on his own and he seems to be enjoying it.) Truthfully, I told him it needed some work, especially the part about the racoon. He assured me that pathetic had always worked for him before. To which I might add: not so much.

Little Laptop Lost

2009-02-10T07:46:00.005-07:00

It was bound to happen but the very first one? Stolen, I mean lost. We were trying a new service, letting patrons check out laptops. I guess you can see where this is going. $50 every day it's overdue or $1500 for the laptop. We're at six days and counting.
Either the person moved out of state or this is definitely a dumb criminal moment. Yes, we do require picture ID and proof of a current address when you get a library card. We also require additional ID to check out a laptop. I don't suspect they'd be that hard to track down. That's him, officer, lower right hand side. I always knew there was something funny about that guy and his buddy too.

Ahmed the Cross Dresser

2009-02-09T09:32:00.007-07:00

I have a special gift. I'm blessed. People tell me things. Random people. In weird places. Tell me personal things. I can't help it. I don't know why.

The guy at the next table in Taco Bell told me that was his second wife that just left. They're both in the military and are having some marital problems. They'll probably get a divorce but he doesn't want to. The greeter in Wal-Mart told me his neighbor has seven dogs that he hates. Thank goodness they're getting evicted next week. The woman at the return counter pointed to the scratches criss crossing her arms (her legs apparently are worse) and told me she has six cats that scratch her as she sleeps but they don't wake her up unless they bite her big toe. The scratches itch like crazy because cats walk in the litter box and then when they scratch you... (Does she really want me to tell her to lay off the bottle?)

My hubby always wants to know how that came up. I don't know. It just does. My major in college was going to be psychology until I thought better of it. But at least if it had been my career I would have been paid for it and it wouldn't have been nearly as awkward socially.

Maybe the CIA could use my services. Just plop me down in a coffee shop in Istanbul and voila. You know that Ahmed is a cross dresser. Prime blackmail material.

Coolest Most Awesom Libraryn

2009-02-09T08:23:00.005-07:00

She is the spitting image of Ramona Quimby. I'd been helping her off and on for a few days. Mom was too absorbed in the computer to help.

We found the Polly Pocket site, I Carly, and a ballerina book she really, really loves. I even got to see her Lord of the Dance, ballerina moves. She wants to be a ballerina when she grows up.

She took a piece of scratch paper and wrote: the coolest most awesom libraryn. Thanks, for the smile Ramona. I wore it the rest of the night. She was so proud, she wanted to show her mom.

Kids are amazing. They are so full of life and it doesn't take much to make them happy. Mine are headed into the teen years and I miss those silly notes, ceramic mystery creatures and produce stickers I invariably forgot I had on. So the next time a kid puts that chiquita banana sticker on your forhead, wear it with a smile. Just keep the giggles to yourself or the authorities may have to get involved.

Kids Club observation: "Hey, these are exactly the same! but opposite!" after reading The 3 Little Pigs and The 3 Little Wolves and the Big Bad Pig.

Gee, Thanks

2009-02-06T20:55:00.004-07:00

I'm waiting in line at Wal-Mart when the woman in front of me does a double take and says, "You look just like Sara Palin! Has anyone ever told you that before?"

Actually, no.

After a stunned silence I stuttered something like, "Uh, no. It must be the glasses."

To be more authentic I should have said,"Ohh, good, thank you, yes." --Sarah Palin, after a notorious Canadian prank caller complimented her on the documentary about her life.

I'm low on contacts. Not that this means anything in itself but I've been wearing my glasses a little more these days. I'm not sure what to think but I think I'll schedule that appointment with the optometrist tomorrow. All things considered, I suppose it's better than looking like Hilary Clinton.

Remember Me Forever

2009-02-06T09:19:00.005-07:00

"You don't know my name, do you." It was a statement not a question.

He looked at me incredulously. After all, Sugar and Hon only go so far with a five year old. "Sure, I do. You're Rumplestiltskin. No! Pumpernickle Pickle?
I guess not, give a hint."

"It starts with Mat."

"Hmm, (after a suitable pause) it wouldn't be Matthew would it?"

"Will you remember it now?"

"Probably til I'm 93. Will that do?"

"No, you have to remember me forever."

He said it with all sincerity and I hope I do.

Mug Shot

2009-01-30T08:15:00.008-07:00

At the library, we are promoting adult reading. Read three books, you get a mug emblazoned with the library logo. I myself participated, in the hopes of brandishing my mug as a symbol of my superior intelligence, wit, and dedication (or to bypass the blatant lack of mugs in the staff room). Needless to say, it was a moment for me when I finally pulled out that well deserved mug.

But wait. What is this? A fortune cookie? Probably just a slip that says inspected by number 12. Uh, no. Some materials contained in the ornamentation of this mug have been known to produce reproductive harm.... What the crap. I may not technically require the use of my ovaries anymore but that doesn't mean I feel any less attached to them.

I brought the matter to the lead's attention and it was followed up through the proper channels. End result: distributor reassures District all is well. District believes distributor. Case closed.

Our demographic is largely people of child bearing age. I think I have to practice civil disobedience and 1. not hand out toxic mugs 2. be subtle and wear my hazmat suit or 3. pointedly mention the warning slip while handing them out.

"Here's your toxic mug! Are you pregnant or do you plan on becoming pregnant while in possession of the mug? Please refrain from drinking out of it or touch it more than you have to. Do not remove the warning label. We care about your health. Thanks for participating in the reading challenge. We value your patronage. Congratulations."

overheard: "Say, excuse me, Josee." Loud reply, "Mom, I didn't fart, you did." Regardless of the source, I avoided the aisle.

Question

2009-01-24T10:10:00.006-07:00

A woman approached the help desk, "I had this book in college, and I loved it but I lost it. I think it had question in the title and it was a bunch of discussion topics." I was a little nervous about this one. Maybe it was my aura or the magic wand I was carrying but for some reason she thought I could help her out. Just the patron, me and my super looking over my shoulder. I was able to find it thanks to Amazon but, truthfully, I expect it had more to do with luck than skill.

I thought I had it rough until my super shared the following incident. A patron came to my super and said, "I checked out a book but I had to return it before I finished. It's the something life and it has a green cover with a woman in a pink hat." She was able to find it. Now those are some skills. There's a reason she's a super.

Later that day, I stepped into the wine store and felt confident they could help me with my lame request. "I'm looking for a red wine, not sure of the variety, and on the label is a monkey on a rocket." Score: Library 2, Liquor Store 0.

They're Multiplyin'

2009-01-16T07:23:00.007-07:00

This is madness. We had kids club last night and an unprecedented 15 munchkins showed up. I typically have 6-8 consistently but they just kept streaming in. It's a good thing my trusty sidekick showed up or it would have been utter chaos.

I have mixed emotions. I love that more kids want to be a part of our group but I can't do as much for so many more. I didn't have time to catch the new kiddos names and they didn't know mine. I'll have to simplify the craft or split the group. Here's hoping it was just a fluke. If not, I suppose I can always teach a class on where babies come from.

Now would be a good time to mention how much I admire public school teachers. I am in awe.

Now were do I get a supersuit? This secret identity thing could come in handy.

We're in the Money

2009-01-14T13:32:00.006-07:00

All my hard work has finally paid off. I got a raise. So, to celebrate I'm going to take Patrick out to dinner with my increase. It may be a modest dinner but I like Taco Bell and if we share an item off their dollar menu it won't even put a dent in our bottom line. I worked 4 hours today and at .64 an hour extra... let's see, by my calculations that gives me $2.56. We can each order our own. Bonus.

But don't worry. I'm still the same gal I was. I won't let it go to my head (maybe my thighs but not my head).

Ode to a sod-a

2009-01-12T08:17:00.005-07:00

Soda machine, how I'll miss you. Your caffeinated goodness has gotten me through the long hours. Your effervescence soothed my voice after countless pirate imitations. I will miss the curves of your bottle, cool against my finger tips as I trace the beads of condensation down your side. Alas, you have ruined me.

Rats

2009-01-09T17:34:00.001-07:00

I knew we should have started with a rock.

And I was so sure we would win.

Ah, well.

Lottso Luck

2009-01-07T19:53:00.003-07:00

The lotto is at 105 million dollars. We're feeling optimistic this year, so, we bought 5 lotto tickets. I know the odds are against us but we have The Secret on our side.

A gal at hubby's work swears by The Secret. She envisioned a warm loaf of bread and guess what? Manna from heaven, a neighbor stops by to deliver a warm loaf of bread. I think the author is a closet Star Wars fan. She just packaged the force for middle aged women.

So here's the plan. We're envisioning 105 million dollars in our bank account. That would just about cover the new car we bought. It's got all the bells and whistles. It's an amphibious hovercraft with Wonder Woman invisibility shield. I thought the invisibility was a bit much but it was part of the package.

So here's envisioning.

I wonder if I should have focused the force on a rock first.

proud to be an american

2009-01-07T08:21:00.006-07:00

Thanks, Jon Quinionas. You've succeeded in adding a whole new layer to the Ugly American personae. We watched "What Would You Do?" on 20/20. ABC hired actors to portray the Ugly American in Paris. Imagine if you will, the King of Queens in gay Paris.

The Coup de Gras was when Jon came out, trailed by an interpreter, sound tech, and cameraman, shoved a giant microphone in the diner's face and introduced himself. Suprise! This is all a set up. We're really not like that at all.
Classy.

"Bonnie" you needed to apologize. I hope they paid you lots of filthy lucre for your soul. Think of all the Parisians they didn't catch to explain what was going on. Well, on second thought, perhaps that's for the best.

George Bush you can be proud. You know you've made it into the history books when someone compares you to Hitler.

I think we'll skip that vacation in Paris this year.

Ignatius J Riley, Son of Sherlock Holmes Revealed!

2008-12-15T08:19:00.009-07:00

Did you know that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, of Sherlock Holmes fame, had a middle name? Ignatius. (Wise move to choose Conan over Ignatius, by the way, big Conan fan growing up myself). But it got me thinking about another Ignatius. Ignatius J. Riley of Confederacy of Dunces. Could it be? A quick browse on Google didn't bring anything back. I think there is some parallel. I mean, how many grown men do you know that walk around in a hunting cap. Ignatius and Sherlock do. They both share the same arrogant intelligence but with Ignatius, its as if Sherlock ate Watson. He earned his PhD loves to quote philosopher, Boethius, but is a bumbler. Ignatius denounces the world's lack of "theology and geometry". While Sherlock perceives the world's geometry and uses it to his advantage. For all you students out there, I'm sure there's a paper in here somewhere. Anywho, something to ponder.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking

2008-12-10T07:33:00.004-07:00

So, I'm out in the stacks pulling holds when one book catches my eye. That's right, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking. I was a little perplexed. My hubby and I have been at this for 15+ years and I find talking crucial to communication.

Joke book that's blank? Not likely in a library. Did my dad write a book without telling anyone? Maybe it's a book about adding small gestures of affection- you know, roses, notes, vacuuming, whatever. Or maybe it's a brown paper bag manual about improving your sex life.

Hmmm.... My curiosity piqued, I found the book- How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. The last couple of words didn't fit on the page. Similar concept but not nearly as interesting.

On a separate note:

A girl was researching Christmas in other cultures at the library. Her mom says to her,"What country do you want to research?" The little girl responds, "How about Utah? Can I do Utah?" I'm not sure if the exchange had more to do with the state of our education or the state of Utah.

Employee Evaluations

2008-12-09T07:51:00.004-07:00

I admit it. I cheated. My 2008 goal was retroactive. The powers that be wanted that little hole filled so I made up a goal (at their behest). As I'm typing my goal and evaluation, I get to the part that says rate your performance. Suddenly, I'm wondering if I'm on a Japanese game show. I know that they know that I just made up this lame "goal". They know that I know that they know and NOW let's just see how she rates herself. On a scale of 1 to 4, how would you rate yourself, 1 being the highest? Any nincompoop should be getting a 1, right? Talk about stacking the deck. I just couldn't do it. I gave a 2 on principle alone. I think that just makes me a stubborn nincompoop minus a raise, not a principled one.

One Good Book

2008-12-02T09:32:00.009-07:00

Do you ever have one of those moments where disparate elements intersect for no apparent reason? My random moment seems to be Harper Lee. We watched In Cold Blood and discovered she was friends with Truman Capote. My boy read To Kill a Mockingbird in English. I picked up Who the Hell is Pansy O'Hara and there she was again.
Harper Lee's characters live in my memory as an old friend, blurred and indistinct but warm. It's the only book she ever wrote. I wish she had written more.

In Who the Hell is Pansy O'Hara, they quote Harper Lee as saying, "I hoped for a little (public encouragement), as I said, but I got rather a whole lot, and in some ways this was just about as frightening as the quick, merciful death I'd expected." I understand her block on a visceral level. I freeze when it's going well. The focus blurs and the well runs dry.

Is it true that everyone has at least one good book in them? What blocks some brilliant writers from continuing?

If you had one good book in you, what would it be? Talk amongst yourselves.

Once Upon a Time

2008-11-19T07:32:00.006-07:00

Ah, bedtime stories at the library. The trouble is no one has been coming. A more established library has bedtime stories the same night. So, I usually wander the stacks and find three or four books a few minutes before showtime, just in case.
Only last night was a little different. I watched in stunned disbelief as at least six little ones, parents in tow, padded in in their pjs. I changed up the tone and meter, threw in a few silly voices and shortened some stories and when their attention was blown called it a day.

That's it?

What time did you start? That was the time it took me to drive over here. We thought this would be a fun library.

We usually go to the other story time and last week they had award-winning children's books, from our state, as a theme. She sings a welcome song and half-way through they get their wiggles out and then at the end... they get milk and cookies. The kids really look forward to that.

Part of me wanted to tell her to go home, tuck her daughter into bed, snuggle up next to her and pull out the child's favorite book but I refrained.

I can sing in the car or the shower... with the radio turned up...really loudly, but get me in front of a group of adults expecting Disney tunes and choreography and I'm no good. Now, I'm not saying it was incredible but milk and cookies? Who can compete with that? I actually thought they were great suggestions for our programming and passed along her name and number but give me the old school bedtime any day. I wouldn't have missed that with my kids for anything.

A Fierce and Desperate Thing

2008-11-18T09:29:00.007-07:00

A couple of little guys in my class came down with something. Their symptoms include but are not limited to: finding me in the library just to say Hi, being the first one to class, wanting to sit on my lap during storytime, lifting chairs twice their size, general atypical rowdy behavior. That's right--they've got a Crush with a capital C.

A little boy's crush is a fierce and desperate thing. It's a beautiful and embarrassing experience to be the focus of such pure, blind adoration. I employ the classic female strategy: feign ignorance, continue to treat the little guys the same as before and wait for time or the end of programming to remedy the situation.

It occurred to me that the crush is not all that different from adult male courting behavior. I just get to see its genesis. I guess we're alright unless the boys start chest thumping, butting heads or getting tattoos, then drastic measures will need to be taken.

Parent Torture Conference

2008-11-13T12:22:00.004-07:00

I went to conferences burning with shame and futility. Shame in that special way only a school official can make you feel. I had two choices: go to conferences and politely accept the D and F grade slips so graciously offered or stay home and wallow in my bad parenthood. So, I went--this year--stomach roiling. I met with each and every teacher (except PE) and was so overjoyed at the solitary B slip, I nearly cried. I cry a lot at school which I find mortifying. I feel as if I've slipped into Valerie Bertinelli's skin and am now a part of some horrible after school special. Pass the martini.
And now a word from our Hallmark sponsors-- when you care to give the very best...

First the Axe, Now the Leather

2008-11-10T07:45:00.005-07:00

So, my hubby and I went out strolling on a beautiful November Day and came home with a leather motorcycle jacket. We popped into a great little vintage shop and there it was, waiting- 50 bucks, just the right size. He tried it on and it was over. My eyelids fluttered involuntarily and if I had long hair, I would have tossed it.

He slid on the jacket and we headed out the door. Suddenly, female eyes were upon us. Now, I'm not paranoid but they were everywhere giving long, pointed looks. I felt vaguely inadequate to the allure of the jacket. If I had known, I would've spritzed up a little in its presence.

I'm mildly embarrassed by the ease of our seduction. A little leather and it's over. I think someone elses wife made them give up the female catnip. I, personally, will rest a little easier knowing that in the event of my untimely demise, he is equipped to re-enter the dating pool but until then, he's mine.

First, he picked up the guitar, now, I've equipped him with the jacket and I'm hearing rumblings about a motorcycle but I'm standing firm. No motorcycle unless it's a his and her set. Although, maybe we should get one and he can hang onto my back in his little jacket. He would be a nice accessory for my midlife crisis bike.

Bracing for the Change

2008-11-05T07:34:00.006-07:00

I couldn't let this day pass without a nod to the historical significance of this day. Today, I'm proud to be an American. It's awe inspiring how far we, as a nation, have come from the days of segregation and slavery. Others will more eloquently and appropriately express these sentiments, those who have lived that history. It's not often you see history unfold before you and know that you are part of it. Last night, we sat the kids down and had them watch the election with us.

Yes, mom and dad, I did vote for Obama and here's why. I have to seriously consider someone supported by both Colin Powell and Warren Buffet. I didn't like the half truths McCain resorted to in his campaign. I was disappointed. Given McCain's age and previous bout with cancer, I didn't like his choice of running mate. Since, McCain chose a female running mate, he should have chosen a savvier, more substantial one- they are out there. Obama is intelligent, charismatic, and must feel the responsibility of being the first African American president heavily. He has a clear vision of how he will lead this country.

I am terrified of the power President Obama will wield once in office, the changes he has championed. I don't know what the reality of those changes will look like. I am terrified but hopeful. Hopeful, that he will chose his advisers wisely and with care. Hopeful, that he will be able to lead us out of this mess we're in.

I'm Your Biggest Fan

2008-10-31T09:02:00.008-06:00

He was my father's age and reminded me a great deal of my uncle. Strawberry blonde, sun baked skin, rough, working hands and a certain glint in his eye that danced the line between madness and mischief.

"So, you live around here then?"
"Yep, we've been here about 8 years."
"In old town?"
"Nope, just down the road."
"Oh, in those big houses with the airplanes."

Dodge, parry. I wasn't about to give the man my address.
He was chatty and we soon discovered we'd both grown up in the same state. It kinda went like this...

"You ever hear of the mormons?"
"Yes, I was raised mormon."
"Me, too."

He leaned in and lowered his voice.

"You a polygamous?"
"Nope, one is plenty. Isn't it?"
"Ol' Joe was purty smart though. Gettin' men to give ten percent for all the women they wanted to have. 'Cause you know what men think with don't you?"

There was a long pause, as if he really expected me to answer this question. He wanted to expound on his topic. Instead, I opted to change the subject.

"Oh, look. We do have that book on metal detection. Let me show you were it is."
"You gonna be here in a couple of days when I return this book?"
"I'm here all the time but if I'm not someone else would be happy to help you."
"No, you're the best I only want you to help me."

Heh, heh (that would be nervous laughter). Wow, let me just add another slightly bent fan to my fan club. Wonderful.

Ahoy, Matey!

2008-10-23T09:27:00.004-06:00

A middle aged man came into the library. Short, dark, with a small box under his arm. "Do you have any books on coins--old coins?" We were able to find what he needed and the man was excited. So much so, that in his excitement he began to talk.

"So my buddy sold them to me from his car. I've got like three more boxes in my car. I hope I didn't get ripped off. I paid a couple hundred dollars for these."

Somehow I don't think he was the one getting ripped off. He opened the box to let me see. The coins were in plastic collectors sleeves. Beautiful older coins. My coworker noticed that at least one coin was worth hundreds of dollars.

The man said he was going to buy a new car and come back and show it to us. He never did. It's a mystery coming and going.

Pressed into Service

2008-10-17T08:12:00.010-06:00

Y, oh, Y did I have to choose the next book for my Read & Feed Book Club? There are a couple of complications.
First, it's a husband/wife book club. That may not sound so bad but think about it. When was the last time you both read and enjoyed the same book?
Second, the book needs some sort of food tie in. Someplace all eight of us can sit and discuss the book. That I can work with and stretch if need be.
Third, I work with these people. We need something interesting enough to discuss but not uncomfortable the next day.

I've been through lists of best sellers, recommended reads, must reads, you name it. I've narrowed the list and scanned for content. Some topics may be a little too close to home (I'll let you decide which). Loss of a child no, prostitution out(get your mind out of the gutter), war theme nyet, mushy romance nope, S&M definitely out(do I look like I'd know?), so that leaves me with exactly--nothing. Well, I overstate, I did manage to squeeze one out.

May I have the envelope, please. (drum roll)
And the winner is...

The House of Sleep by Jonathan Coe

Oh, but wait, I just really love...

Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

Hmmm, this one shows promise...

City of Refuge by Tom Piazza

Alright, so I haven't narrowed it to just one yet but I will. Promise. Even if it comes down to a coin toss. All I can say is, it's a good thing we don't meet again until January.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2008-10-10T11:29:00.007-06:00

A father came into the library with his two boys in tow. The oldest boy was in those few sweet teen years before the drivers license, the dating, the drama. He was trying to keep his rambunctious little brother in check while his dad asked for directions. The little guy was just big enough to peer in the book drop slot, probably about 5. The little one was bouncing off the walls yammering away while his older brother tried valiantly to keep him at arms length. Under his breath he would tell the little one to knock it off. He wanted to be with the adults. Little bro didn't like being ignored and started hitting big bro. Big bro inadvertently hit little bro in his "junk" while warding him off.

"My junk! You hit me in my junk! You*@#%#$@*!" On and on he loudly spouted obscenities in his piping little boy voice.

Big bro woodenly looked on as the onslaught continued, apparently mortified. He valiantly tried to distance himself from the foul mouthed little one. Dad thought it was funny and gave a little chuckle and smiled at me. I blushed furiously and expedited the directions.

No, really, not so cute. Not so funny. That poor kid. He's obviously not going to learn the value of holding his tongue from his father or when and how to use language appropriately. Someone give that man a bar of soap.

Peanut Butter Fiasco

2008-10-09T09:18:00.007-06:00

Once again my brilliance astonishes me. I put together an odor lesson plan for the kiddos in my group. We read Smelly Bill and My Dog is as Smelly as Old Socks. We made Smelly Sam sock puppets and then, the coup de gras, odor experiment.

I filled paper cups with different things: honey, mint tea, pickles, mustard, and peanut butter. Then I covered the cups in foil and poked a hole in the top. We sent the cups around the group and they got to identify each scent. Great fun. The kids loved it. Only one minor kink in the plan. After sending around the peanut butter one little girl says, "Peanut butter, I'm allergic to peanut butter." The little girl next to her turns and says, "Hey, me too!"

While they were bonding, my mind is racing. Oh my god! Can smelling peanut butter cause a reaction? Should I head it off and have them chew on a few antihistamines? Do we have an epi pen? What a block head. Sending not one but two children to the hospital, not good. That's got to be some kind of record.

Thank God, they were fine. There was no reaction. And Nincompoop learned her lesson.

Anybody want a peanut?

Bloody Mary

2008-10-08T09:32:00.007-06:00

A moment of Ewww brought to you by the month of October. Imagine, if you will, a sweet little elderly woman, we'll call her Mary, returning her stack of library books.

"Oh, dear, I seem to be bleeding. Do you have a band-aid? This getting old really stinks. Your skin just gets thinner and thinner."

After numerous paper towels and a band-aid, Mary was on her way. It was only after she left that we noticed the blood on the books. I think that might be a health code violation.

But, not to worry, the books are out of circulation - pardon the pun.

Say Cheese!

2008-10-04T13:16:00.010-06:00

"Hey, has anyone lost their teeth? I found this set back in the fiction."
I kid you not.
The teeth were later claimed. Those puppies are expensive.
But what I'm wondering is... why do you take your teeth out at the library in the first place? Is it more comfortable to read sans teeth? It helps your concentration and focus? Denture cream failure? Looking for something to sink your teeth into? I'll stop now.
I suppose it will remain a mystery. But it definitely makes the list for strangest lost and found item at the library to date. Not quite Flannery O'Connor but, hey.

Possible reads:

The Skin of our Teeth

Possible authors:

Pearl S. Buck
EB White

Hey Lady, There's a Whale Over Your Head

2008-09-30T07:49:00.012-06:00

Book club gave me a whale to read. It's been hanging overhead for a couple of weeks but I finally finished. Granted it took being stuck in a waiting room for three hours but, hey, who's counting.

Forever by Pete Hamill, you can say that again. I was having flashbacks of skimming similar bonus passages in Moby Dick. I learned more about whaling than I'll ever need but who knows, maybe someday I'll be on Survivor Antarctica.

I feel slightly guilty about even grouping Pete Hamill with Melville.

Poor Pete. How many geriatric walking tours of Manhattan did you have to take to research your novel? I felt your pain.

So, the real question is...

when is it time to cut your book club off?

Woohoo We Broke a Hundred

2008-09-26T11:11:00.003-06:00

Thanks, honey. We broke a hundred hits. Sorry about your carpal tunnel.

Freedom of Speech Anyone?

2008-09-26T08:13:00.010-06:00

Perhaps I should have started this blog with a legal disclaimer:

All characters are fictional. Any similarities with living or deceased people are coincidental. In case of real life events, creative license has been taken.

I know I'm a bit late chiming in on this but for those of you who haven't yet read it, a Library Associate in Michigan was fired for writing a fictionalized account of her dealings with patrons. Uh, you got that right. Have I mentioned how much I love my job?

The AP article was posted on the bulletin board at my library. I'm stunned. Personally, I thought not disclosing your name, the location of the library, or the patrons' personal information was plenty of protection for those with qualms about confidentiality.

It certainly gave me pause. I don't have a book deal. But the truth of the matter is our lives intersect. My interaction with the public affects me in a personal way and I give voice to my personal musings here. The LA made a good faith effort to protect confidentiality. If anyone damaged that, it was the library itself by drawing attention to the author's identity and verifying that the characters weren't so fictional after all.

While I'm ranting, how 'bout this... The library is a public space. If the patron wanted privacy they wouldn't be jacking off in the library. The last I heard, public nudity was illegal and writing about it was not grounds for dismissal.

Book Burning

2008-09-22T18:34:00.008-06:00

I had a brilliant idea for The Big Read display- burn some books. What could be more provocative in a library? I naively thought I'd cull the donated books. My unease grew as I scanned the books. After all, I was entering the realm of Gods. Nothing I saw deserved burning but did it deserve saving? Who was I to judge?

How about this out of date book on Custer's Last Stand? But is history ever really out of date?
Perhaps this book on prayerful living. Narrow appeal, broad base of readers. Too inflammatory? The intention isn't to incite riots.
Ah, this one is a sure bet. It's mildewed and the spine is broken. It's a very old text on nutrition. Surely, the information is inaccurate. But what about it's value as a comparative text? It may be interesting to trace the evolution of nutrition.

Each title was weighed and measured. I was surprised by the complexity of the task.
I finally settled on a skiing book from the seventies (when they still strapped in to hiking boots) and a book explaining the 1997 version of Windows.

I girded my loins, hoisted my lighter, and lit the book up. Only the damn thing wouldn't light. It smoked and let off a noxious odor. It charred a bit around the edges and that was it. I'm sure it will give me cancer. It certainly gave me ulcers. Thanks, Ray Bradbury. You've opened my mind and ruined my body. I'm just not cut out for this dictator crap.

I'll leave you with a poem by the ever controversial William Blake.

The Tyger

TYGER, tyger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies 5
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart? 10
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? What dread grasp 15
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And water'd heaven with their tears,
Did He smile His work to see?
Did He who made the lamb make thee? 20

Tyger, tyger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Time to Move to Europe

2008-09-22T09:26:00.011-06:00

This month is The Big Read. We are promoting the novel Fahrenheit 451 in our community.

A patron asked the age range for the novel. I replied teen to adult.
"So, would that be okay for an 11 year old?"
"Mmm, probably not."
"She's a very advanced reader."
"It's really more of an adult book."
"Is there any sex in it?"
"No, but there is a man burned alive."
"Oh, that's okay I'm not worried about that. Just as long as there's no sex in it."

Really? That's okay? It's not okay. Come on. Maybe Patrick Henry should have said, "Give me sex or give me death". I'm fairly certain, if given the choice, which he would have chosen.

C'est Triste

2008-09-18T08:13:00.005-06:00

It's a sad day when you bar your son from the library. Parenthood is a complicated thing. You try to foster responsibility, honesty, inquisitiveness, hard work, etc. all while expecting love, obedience and respect. I adore my boy but he is 14. After 3 years and a stint in summer school, he still believes ignoring schoolwork is the way to go. In addition to cramming, losing, and misdirection, he's recently added to his repertoire of obfuscation lying to my face.

My boy, why did you have to jump off that cliff--AGAIN. I know homework is hard for you. I truly do understand that a warm, steaming pile of homework stinks. Believe me when I say-- it will only stink worse the longer you wait. You can do this. Asking questions is never stupid but not asking questions could very well make you stupid. Teachers and your parents really do want to help.

Let me reiterate one more thing, if you ignore assignments they will bite you in the butt. You may get away with missing 3 or 4 assignments but that doesn't mean they disappear. They are growing. Take care of it so you can move on.

Call me old fashioned, but I despise dishonesty. Your homework is important but your word is your character. I admire a person with the balls to take responsibility for their actions and if you made a mistake, admit it. Don't compound it with lies.

Despite the missing homework, I am proud of you. Your teachers tell me what a good kid you are. Respectful and polite. That means a lot to me. Now if you could just work on the honesty I'd know you're on the right path.

Oh, and when we say one hour on the computer after your homework is done, that's what we mean-- Any computer.

A Wolf, The God of War and a Comic Strip at Kid's Club

2008-09-12T09:56:00.008-06:00

My kiddos are amazing. I'm responsible for the K-2 kid's club and I'll admit I was just a wee bit nervous when I noticed 8 boys on the roster. 8 boys, that's what my grandmother wound up with and we all know how that one ended. Well, maybe you don't but let's just say it had something to do with a dirt track up the stairs for toy trucks, a skunk mistaken for a rabbit, and a corpse (not real) on the pool table. 'nuf said.
It didn't help my anxiety that a cartoon character and the God of thunder were included on the list (that would be Ziggy and Thor).
From the get-go they have been well mannered, eager to learn, and stoked to bring home a craft. I can honestly say these little monkeys are so much fun. It's not just anyone that I would dress in a floral nightgown, quilted peach jacket and wolf tail for. Their eyes lit up when Isabelle, the lone female, pointed out my tail peaking out of the hem of my nightgown. I read Winston the Book Wolf and Do Not Open This Book. The use of language is so tangible in those books, they are fantastic read alouds. Poor little Thor was beside himself that we were going to open-- Do Not Open This Book. They particularly enjoyed the section when I added their names to the story. The ultimate compliment was when my second grader wanted to check out both books. Great bunch of kids. Next week we'll be reading about the tooth fairy.

Assaulted with Teen Attitude

2008-09-02T21:00:00.003-06:00

It wouldn't have surprised me if the girl threw herself on the floor, legs and arms flailing, wailing, "I want my library card number!"
They were a cute duo of teens. The blonde and the brunette seemed to come as a set. The brunette was the speaker and the blonde provided the twittering laugh track. The brunette began.

"I, um, forgot my library card, so, if you could just write down the number that would be great."
"Sure, I just need some picture ID- student ID, rec center pass..."
"Well, I can just tell you my name and then you can look it up."
"I can as soon as you show me your ID."
"Well, my name is Jenny Smith. So, can't you just look it up?"
"If you just show me your ID I'd be happy to. I need to verify that you are who you say you are and that you're not just telling me you're Jane Doe, for instance."

Simple logic didn't penetrate the mule-headed girl.

"But I'm not Jane Doe. That's just stupid. I'm Jenny Smith. Look, here's my old library card number- just look up my new one with that."

The stubborn, "but I want" sense of entitlement, persisted despite my best efforts. The condescending tone didn't help matters either. The conversation continued on until she realized I really meant what I said-- no ID, no number. I've outlasted a toddler, I can certainly outlast a teen.

"This library totally sucks. I, like, totally hate it. It is so lame."

Needless to say, she has been back and has assiduously avoided me. Which is too bad because I'd be happy to point out the thesaurus. I believe we even carry a book on Shakespearean insults.

The Big Blue

2008-08-04T08:57:00.008-06:00

Apologies for the lag in posts. I had the Blues. Too bad I didn't have these cookies with the inspirational slogans. That would have made it all better.
Luckily, this bout was more of a dip in the pool than a swim in the deep. The worst thing about it was being cognizant enough to see my memory go to hell, my reasoning skills evaporate, and my verbal skills slow to zombie like speeds. I felt I needed to walk around and explain, "sorry for the idiocy, brain function will resume shortly." but it would've come out "Sorry fer idiot, idiocracy, idiotness. You know what I mean. Brains er out." Maybe that's what happened in the '80's. I opted to stay quiet as much as possible and write "deep thoughts".

Time bleeds.
Its ruby seeds slip through my fingers,
Silent accusations bloom at my feet
And turn to rust

My obese tongue slides, trips, falls
Against its dark confines
Heavy and dull
In the cavern full of night and wind

And the moaning for lost words.