Queenie takes on the Swine Flu

Nothing to fear. Queenie is here. She has decided to take on the swine flu because no one is doing anything about it. Who knew she could forestall a pandemic from her apartment building. I don't know about you, but I feel much better. No need to get hysterical.

"This is Queenie. I need you to go to the website for the CDC and get me their phone and fax number. Now, I need the same thing for the World Health Organization, that's W-H-O. There must be a fax number. I have to have the fax number."

**Warning, blatantly false statement follows**

"We need to kill ALL the pigs. It's the pigs that are making us sick. You get swine flu from eating pork."

When my coworker tried to dissuade her from this inaccuracy he got an ear full and then she got a dial tone. When she calls tomorrow, I'm all ready with the president's home number and the Pentagon's phone and fax.

Queenie

Now, "Queenie" is well known in the library. There is no last or first name on her license. It just says Queenie (not really but close). A better name could not have been chosen. I had the privilege of talking with her on the phone for 25 minutes. Time stretched and expanded and it seemed an eternity.

She has bugs. A veritable highway across the tendrils of her indoor plants and so many bugs outside! What plants could be planted and what organic home remedies could be used? I need at least five books. They need to be specific. I want one by Rodale Press they're good. Japanese beetles are the worst and aphids, mosquitoes, how about powder mildew? What does it say about that? I heard you can mix up cayenne pepper. What is the exact recipe for that? It has to be organic. I want 5 internet articles printed out on the topic. No, I'll stay on the line. Two heads are better than one. I don't have internet and I don't want my number your computer, I want you to call me when they get in.

Believe it or not, there are actually other patrons that need assistance. I tried to politely extricate myself a number of times but to no avail. She was just getting started. I finally had to be abrupt and end it. Less than a minute later, she called back to say she's pick up the items tomorrow. I did not answer that call. I was catatonic.

I have a natural aversion to telephones and now I'm practically phobic. She's an elderly woman and has difficulty getting around, so, I was more accommodating than usual. If her name is any indication, I would surmise her egocentric attitude is not a new condition. I'd bet she was just as demanding as a spry young thing. I enjoy helping people but I'm not a personal shopper. I'm not here to weed your garden. Ackk! Sorry, felt a rant coming on. Don't call me. I'll call you.