Speaking Whale

Mumbles called. She wanted to know if her hold for Wicked was on the shelf.
"No hold for Wicked, but I do have The Man Who Loved China."
"That's it. I'll be in to pick it up later."

Pause here. At this point, I'm a bit puzzled. There are no similarities between the two books. None. Okay, I exaggerate- both authors are male.
But The Man Who Loved China was indeed what she called about.

My initial thought was perhaps she needs to be evaluated for Alzheimers. Then a flash of insight. I speak this language- fluently. I have a touch of the absent minded professor about me. Maybe that's too grand. Okay, I'm Dory from Finding Nemo.

I embrace speaking whale and the golden rule because someday? that will be me, calling about The Man Who Found Nemo and I'd appreciate a little respect.

Phone Tag

"Um, its 11:15 and um, I know the library is open. So, I don't know why no one is answering the phone. Um, so, my name is Mnnayan (unintelligible muttering) Reynolds and um, I need you to renew my book The Witches Something, Something, Something. and um, if someone could take care of this and let me know that it's been taken care of um, my number is 555-555-5555."

Yep, oh goody. Mumbling, vague, dissatisfied patron. Library card number? I don't think so. Hmm, nice. Let's see here, Witches Something, Something, Something. Zipp-o. A name search? Reynolds not unique by any stretch. My last, best bet panned out. Phone number. Now for that item... nope not Witches Something, Something at all. Wicked.

I returned her call fifteen minutes later. "You've reached the offices of Unintelligible Reynolds. I'm not able to take your call right now but..." There is a lovely symmetry to it. I left a message of my own.

"Um, so my name is Jenny from the library? and um, I just got your message fifteen minutes ago? I thought someone would be there to take my call but um, anyway...I guess I'll just leave a message and hope someone gets it? and um, tell you Wicked is now renewed."

Miss Nelson is Missing

A co-worker went missing. She was gone for about a month. A card was sent around. I hate those stupid cards. We don't know where she is or what is going on in her life but someone has to trot out THE card.
The type of card you buy in bulk with bad floral watercolor and cheesy, cliche sentiments. This one said "Thinking of you". The card was placed in my box and had already made the rounds. Most people wrote, "miss you" and "come back soon". For all I know, she won the lotto and is cruising in the Mediterranean. I had two choices, don't sign the card and be the lone jerk who didn't even have the decency to sign a card or be a lemming and sign the card with suitably vague tag line.
I signed the card but I sure wish I'd known she had cancer and a hysterectomy.

Change of Address Gripe

A short, stocky woman approached the desk.

"I'd like to get a library card."

She filled out the application while I began input from her drivers license.

"Is this your current address?"
"No, it's on the back."
"Sorry, we can't take handwritten change of address. Do you have anything else with your address on it: checkbook, mail, insurance card, hunting license?"
"No, the DMV said just to write my address on the back."
"Yes, I know, they do that now but we need some other verification."
"This is worse than going to prison."

I laughed a little, offhandedly.

"No, I'm serious."

Prison, not jail, prison. I laughed a little, weakly, in an uncertain, wheezy sort of way. Because really, what else am I supposed to say- that would explain the bad haircut? I'm sure it is harder to get a library card than to get processed for prison. But then, people aren't typically trying to get into prison.

Reads

Here are just a few of the books I've been reading. Sometimes just listing them isn't enough. It feels misleading when I add a book to my list of reads and discover I hate it but such is the reading life. You never really know what you're going to get.

The Worst Hard Time by Timothy Egan: a compelling book that I highly recommend- unless you're teetering on the edge of unemployment during this recession. I just couldn't finish. Vivid descriptions of just what the Dust Bowl entailed and a group of scrappy characters that lived through it.

My secret shame: Twilight & New Moon. I had sworn a solemn vow not to read any of these books. With my head hung low, I admit, I succumbed to peer pressure. Curse you Book Club. Not as bad as I anticipated but certainly not as good as all the hoopla. Pretty sure the book highlighted all the reasons I hated High School (am I the only one that sees the weird new girl wouldn't be hanging with the popular set). Let me rephrase that into a sound bite, all the high school romance and pettiness I dreaded but the werewolf/vampire storyline held my attention.

The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge: truly fascinating insights into the workings of the brain and its adaptivity. This is a front row seat to scientific discovery. I appreciated the personal stories interspersed with all the technical jargon. I must admit to squeemishness about the descriptions of animal experimentation but the sections are well delineated and you could skip it.

Trivia

It has been painfully, agonizingly slow at work. I'm not good at standby mode. I think mine is broken. So, I've been amusing myself creating slides for the large TV by the help desk. I decided to pop in a few bits of trivia for fun and picked up a few books for reference.

I found myself laughing until tears came to my eyes. Hysterical snorts, the kind you got at 3am watching Strange Brew as a teen. I'm having difficulty gauging the actual funny factor due to the state of my deprivation at the desk.

"The Earl of Oxford exiled himself for 7 years, after he farted in Queen Elizabeth I's presence."

"Would you rather sound like Darth Vader when you breathe or sound like Yoda when you talk?"

I love my job- even when it is slow.

Ah, note passing. I thought with texting, it had gone the way of the typewriter. It's nice to know some things persist.

Remember the thrill of the note? Hoping the teacher didn't intercept and share it with the class.

I was part of the IBTC club (If you don't know, I won't elaborate), each note was filled with embarrassing imaginary escapades- complete with drawings, and cliff hanger endings. Thank heavens they were never intercepted or I would have died of mortification. But I wish I still had them, they were hilarious.

At the library, a real gen-u-ine note dropped from the leaves of a book, just begging to be read.

Do you like Josh?
Why?
I think he totally likes you.
Why?
Because he was totally looking at your butt.

Pure drivel, but the spelling was excellent. Standing there holding that little square of college ruled paper made me nostalgic.

Monster Mash

I have seen evil incarnate and he is about four feet tall. I am afraid, very afraid.

Touseled brown hair, he came in with his much larger "host". In hind sight, his choice of books was slightly ominous: ambulance books. He is training to be a lawyer or a homicidal maniac. The single ENF ambulance book on the shelf wasn't enough and he quickly turned on me.

"I want more books!" It may sound innocent enough but I must stress the pitch perfect grating, bone jarring whine in which it was delivered. The parasitic child attached himself to my retreating back after dad said "no".

I sank down at my desk relieved to have a reprieve but, no, it was not to be. I heard a voice from behind, "Why do you have lipstick?" His small hand pointed to the scented highlighters for summer reading.
"Those are for teenagers in the summer reading program. Are you in the summer reading program?"
"No, but I want one."
"Sorry, hon. It's only for the kids in the program."
"But I want it."

On and on in that voice. I maintained a firm but shaky grasp on my desire to throttle the boy. I'm ashamed to admit, I've never been so relieved to see a patron go.

Bearer of bad news birthday

"Happy Birthday!"

"Uh, thanks. So, ah, isn't that your car... in the lot... with it's window broken out?"

I've never had much social finesse. And I don't know if there is a good time to mention to someone that their car has been vandalized. But the juxtaposition stinks.

Sigh. Crummy.

On a lighter note, hubby mentioned we've been together as long as I lived with my parents (weird, right)... and that they've been like dog years (had my teen rebellion/midlife crisis)... and that if they were in dog years I'd be dead (sweet).
Happy Birthday to me.

The Special Olympian and Keith Richards

This kid was larger than life. A natural salesman. "That's okay, John, I've got it. You can go." He dismissed the man with a wave of his hand. He leaned on the desk, exuding the confidence of a man you'd ask for his autograph, despite his army jacket and coke bottle glasses. His parents were storm chasers and he talked about the strange cloud formations and odd weather patterns we'd been having.

It may sound ridiculous but he had such charisma that even though he came in with a group of mentally handicapped adults, I wasn't sure if he was one of them- until he pulled out his photocopied state ID.

"I think I should tell you something... I'm in the Special Olympics tomorrow." His enthusiasm and pride were infectious. Amazing kid.

In other news: I would like to officially welcome Keith Richards to the library.

Be Patient, I'm Sure Something Will Come to Me

Dear Reader,
Thank you for your patience. It's been a wild ride and I'm only beginning to get my head back in the game. The man was laid off, only to find a new job three days later (amazing, I know). I've been busy acquiring my red cross packet as outlined in the Gurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. Truthfully, no, but I have acquired an alarming amount of toilet paper and laundry detergent. It's amazing what begins to matter when it's affordability becomes uncertain.

Men in Kilts

The audio book version seemed like a good idea while I paint the kitchen. Bad, bad idea when the book is Outlander. It began innocently enough. The voice over my speakers sounded like Julie Andrews. Mary Poppins was reading me a story.

Not too mushy with a strong, intelligent, funny female protagonist. I've never been a big fan of the romantic novel. Something about willingly suspending my disbelief but maybe this won't be so bad.

Not so bad until Mary Poppins began narrating the first sex scene and the boy chose that inauspicious moment to come downstairs. Paint or no, I sprinted to the stereo but I got there a little too late. Thanks, bookclub.

Tale o' the Twister

I worked this weekend. 20 minutes after opening, the power goes out. A definite inconvenience in a modern library. I was still able to locate the Tempest, the Hobbit, and the Giver. I just couldn't check them out.

The policy is to escort patrons out if we have a prolonged power outage. Sorry, scouts. No pack meeting today. Oh, oops, can't take off the massive room deposit. Out with you munchkins and take your neckerchiefs with you. All other patrons out-check.

Alarms blaring, weather radio chattering unintelligibly. What's that? A tor-na-do warning? Nice. We just sent the patrons out of the library. Step 2 call the manager. No cell phone, no pager, no go. Step 3 call the electrical company. Wrong number, get number, very helpful prerecorded message about a power outage in our area. Moving right along, we were herded into the public restrooms. Did I mention I live FIVE minutes away? I can sit in a dark public restroom with my coworkers or go home and relax in my very comfortable basement. Against "the list's" sage advice, we didn't stay in the bathroom. Next, we tackled the blaring alarms- with no light. The brilliant person in charge took care of the alarms by the light of our emergency cell phone. No flashlights.

Where are my ruby slippers when I need them? There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Two and a half hours after my shift began, I got my wish.

Renovations

Under construction- my kitchen, that is. When I'm not cleaning, tiling, grouting, cleaning, painting, etc. I'm looking at kitchen porn (643ish).

Socially Awkward Lessons From An Introvert

The library offers me a new challenge everyday. Part of what I love is the interaction with our patrons. Sometimes a patron will have a difficulty and it's my job to make them feel comfortable. Sometimes I fail miserably in my eagerness but here are a few things I've learned.

Yesterday a regular patron stopped in the library but he wasn't wearing his glasses and I realized he has a lazy eye. I had heard you look at the "good" eye. Well, I tried that but I'm still not sure it was the right one. Which means I'm pretty sure it was the wrong one. Next time, I'll look at the bridge of the nose.

We have patrons who are hard of hearing. Look at them squarely, speak clearly, gestures are helpful.

I've encountered a gentleman with severe stuttering. At the time, I thought I'd help him out by anticipating the end of his question. Now I know, NOT helpful. I'm ashamed I didn't offer him the common courtesy of hearing him out. Next time, I'll do better.

Common hindrances to listening.

1. Having preconceived notions regarding the speaker or the message that taint one’s ability to truly hear what is being said;
2. Anticipating what is being said and thus never actually listening;
3. Contemplating their response while the speaker is talking;
4. Having personal issues or outside distractions compete with the message;
5. Reacting emotionally and thus missing the entire message.

Neukrug (1999)

Small steps in the right direction. In forty years, I'll be omnipotent.

Heat Wave

The "green" heating and a/c at the library is anything but reliable. Typically, I dress like an onion, in layers. I suppose there is something to the stereotype of a librarian wearing a sweater and woolen stockings. Just doing my part to perpetuate that stereotype.

But yesterday, we simmered. At least 80 degrees with no respite in sight. I suppose I could have shucked the sweater and rolled my slacks up to my thighs but as a rule management frowns on "casual Tuesdays".

*Things that make you go hmmm- Our resident handyman quit and today was his last day.

Unwelcome Visitor

"There's a spider back in the fiction." The large man visibly pales and assumes a defensive position behind the desk.

arach·no·pho·bia: pathological fear or loathing of spiders.

"I'll take care a lot of things but spiders are not one of them."

His female coworker went to take a look. There it sat, at eye level, comfortably waiting on a display book- The Unwelcome Guest, like a furry black and yellow gumball. The spider made its escape down the back of the shelves, free to terrify and harass another day. Until our eight legged friend is apprehended, the man will not go into the fiction section.

Dorian Gray and Mrs. X

I attended the same church as Mrs. X and we carpooled together. I gave her kids a tour of the library.
"Bookworm, hi! I was just wondering if you could help me? We live over in unincorporated city and so I can only check out ten items. That makes it really difficult with home school. Sometimes ten just isn't enough. Is there anything you can do about that?"
"Nothing I can do about the designation but if your kids don't have cards you can sign them up and then they're eligible for ten items each, as well."
"Golly gee, that's swell!"
My coworker gave me stink eye and flagged me down after my exchange with Mrs. X. "Did she ask you about checking out more items?"
"Yep, I just told her to get her kids library cards. Why?"
"She came in last night and was so rude. She ranted at two of us about not being able to check out more videos. We neglected to tell her about getting additional cards."

Maximum Security

"Hello, I'm with Top Notch Security Systems. I'll be sending a technician to fix your keypad entry today and I just need to get the entry code from you."
Long pause.
"No, I won't give you the code over the phone but I'd be happy to tell your technician when he gets here."
This is not what he wanted to hear but I dazzled him with my logic. Call me paranoid but it doesn't take a genius to read the note our helpful leader posted on the back door- "Keypad does not work. Top Notch Security will come by today to fix it."

We All Need A Little Romans

A trio of teen girls needed some help. While I was doing a catalogue search for teen A, teen B asks if I knew where "Roman books" were. I gave her my most penetrating stare which seems to make my ears work better. "The Romans?" I clarified. She must have a speech impediment. She turned to her friend for understanding and said,

"you know the Romans books."
"Quit the fake accent."
"It's naught fake!"

Teen girls, dramatic aspirations ding ding ding, ah, romance. After escorting them back to the fiction section, teen A came back to ask where the paperbacks were located.

"The paperbacks are with the Romans in Fiction."

H1N1

These days the kids have one more thing to worry about. A coworker was discussing "Swine Influenza" with her niece.

"You know, Sweetie, it's not called Swine Flu anymore."
She pointed to its new moniker, H1N1, "now, they're calling it this."
"It's the Heinie flu now?!"

So Long and Thanks for All the Fish

With the simple touch of a button. The power. Initiate gag reflex. Clear out the office. Unlike popcorn or lasagna with it's come hither aroma, unlike any other smell known to microwave- ah, the mystery that is fish.

Our fearless "Fit for Life" leader has brought fish for lunch twice this week. She was perplexed to find no sign of life in the office when she finished her repast. This is unsettling to a super. She found all of us far, far away, huddled at the front desk breathing shallow but necessary breaths.

Seemingly unaware of the havoc her lunch had wrought on productivity, she quizzed us. "Who's supposed to be on desk? Why are you all out here?" There was no graceful way around it. One brave coworker spoke up. "No offense, but the fish smell's really bad. I can't go back there." She somewhat sheepishly reasserted the directive- "Back to work." Suck it up, buttercup. I can say that because I was assigned to the front desk.

Addendum A: to be added to break room etiquette: Do NOT cook fish in the microwave or there may be a revolt.

Baby Birds and Ladybugs

An elderly woman extends her elbow and says, "Would you like a ladybug?" "Ladybugs are supposed to be good luck. Are you sure you want to give it away?"

I gently coaxed it from her sleeve and watched it crawl along my hand as I made my way outside. I passed my branch manager on the way out the door (I can only imagine what he was thinking). I made it outside and when I looked again it was gone. I can't remember the last time I took such childish pleasure in a ladybug. Thank you.

After work, I went to pick up my daughter at the park and was immediately surrounded by teenagers. "There's an emergency." I was thinking an emergency along the lines of "I need a ride home".

The girls parted and I could see a boy gently cradling a napkin. He looked for all the world a proud papa as he showed me the tiniest baby bird I have ever seen. No bigger than a quarter, his translucent skin not yet covered by pin feathers, he lay swaddled in the boy's hand.

In the top of an evergreen, we finally found the nest. It was a mound of dried grass with a few candy wrappers added for color. It had no opening or hollow in which to place the baby. The boy carefully used a stick and made a hollow for the baby bird.

I was so touched by the concern these kids had for such a helpless creature. It was beautiful to see the care they took to help the baby bird and the obvious pride and relief when it was over. There's still hope and tenderness in the world. Kids still have it. I'm doubly blessed.
*and that boy has permission to date my daughter.

Break Room Etiquette

Dear Abby,
A fellow employee came to bookclub with new baby (aw) and hubby in tow. We told her she could use the break room but little did I know she planned a three course family meal in there.

The first time I came in to use the microwave, the baby's bottle was in it. I came back later to find the main course in the micro with veggies awaiting their turn. My baleful look was not enough. She did not get the hint.

"Are you about done there?" She turned from slicing the fruit, "Oh, did you need the microwave?"

I was not loittering around the cozy scene to bask in their one-ness. I wanted my hotwings! Yes, YES, I wanted the microwave. I have 15 minutes to shovel food in my mouth during my break. Out of my way, lady.

Am I being unreasonable? Help!

Signed, Microwave Madame

La La La La

Summer is upon us. My Kids Club just ended and as much as I enjoyed the little ones, I was looking forward to a break. It looks like the powers that be have other ideas- other ideas like Twinkle Babies.

Twinkle Babies is a class for the wee little ones, 1-22 months. So, what that means is... now I get to look forward to singing and fingerplays. Singing to a room full of adults and their infants. Singing somewhat nervously and off key with dubious lyrics. I guess this means I can't just mouth wa-ter-me-lon. The babies won't know the difference but the adults might.

Wonder how long it will take them to realize what a truly hideous mistake they've made. Meanwhile, I better bone up on "Rock A Bye Baby" -on second thought maybe not the best action song. "Row Row Row Your Boat" -rats! I only know the "throw your teacher over the boat" version.

Queenie takes on the Swine Flu

Nothing to fear. Queenie is here. She has decided to take on the swine flu because no one is doing anything about it. Who knew she could forestall a pandemic from her apartment building. I don't know about you, but I feel much better. No need to get hysterical.

"This is Queenie. I need you to go to the website for the CDC and get me their phone and fax number. Now, I need the same thing for the World Health Organization, that's W-H-O. There must be a fax number. I have to have the fax number."

**Warning, blatantly false statement follows**

"We need to kill ALL the pigs. It's the pigs that are making us sick. You get swine flu from eating pork."

When my coworker tried to dissuade her from this inaccuracy he got an ear full and then she got a dial tone. When she calls tomorrow, I'm all ready with the president's home number and the Pentagon's phone and fax.

Versus

Putting together a "Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood" slide show gave me the chance to ask some questions. Nothing too personal but relevant to patrons. It really was a fascinating little glimpse of my coworkers inner cogs. How much can you tell about a person by their choice of simple things? How did they approach the question/answer?

Versus Question: Einstein or Shakespeare, Stones or Beatles (had to sleep on it), ketchup or mustard, Superman or Spiderman, vanilla or chocolate, call or write, mood ring or Magic 8 ball.

One coworker thought I said "verses" and was able to instantly give me quotes from Einstein and Shakespeare. I was impressed. Sadly, my memory chip lacks the storage capacity for such endeavors. No, no, (I don't require anything I can't do myself) just choose one.

Currently reading: Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder (Not very impressive, I know. If I say I'm reading it for the recipes, is that like saying I read it for the articles?)
Favorite book as a child: A Wrinkle in Time
3 things on my ipod: Backdoor Slam, This American Life podcast, Devil Doll

The Inquisitors

If you can be sure of one thing, it's this--Kids ask questions, lots of questions. (The other is that they say all kinds of things about you in carpool. Things you'd rather not be discussed.)
We talked about Earth Day for Kids Club. I, brilliant strategist that I am, thought I could give a brief intro to Earth Day and move on.

"Earth Day started on April 22nd 1970. I wasn't even born yet."
"Hey, my dad was born in 1953 and my mom was born in 1968. He is 56 and my mom is 41. How old are you?"
"How old do you think I am?"
"50 or something."

"So, Earth Day began because there was an oil spill in the ocean and it was really yucky and bad for the environment and it made people think about taking care of the earth."
"Where did it spill?" "How did it spill?" "How did they clean it up" "How much did it spill? Like a cup or something?"

My 20 second perusal of the internet did not provide me with the specifics. There's no skimming or faking it with these little inquisitors. And I thought they'd just want to read our stories and make rain sticks.

Puppets and Depression: a dangerous mix.

"Hello, everybody (try it in a breathless Marilyn voice). Mind if I sit with you awhile? Nice to meet you (pause, remember to breathe). My name is the emotional bomber (maintain eye contact). Do you have the time (involve the audience)? My watch seems to be broken."

A puppeteering workshop. Craptastic. I just love group role play. Especially when I may break into spontaneous tears in front of coworkers. If my brain were functioning I might be able to play it off as an intentional and wholly rational reaction to Humpty Dumpty. Alas.

The workshop was amazing despite my sullen, introverted appearance, I really was paying attention.

Don't Think So

I went out of town for a little R&R. Apparently while I was out, my sweet little crew transformed into little stinkers. I've got a couple of little guys that get a bit rambunctious but certainly not disrespectful.

My poor replacement got her fill of "NO!" and "we don't want to see your stupid book". I'm not sure she'll be as keen to teach my class next session. She's under the distinct impression that I put up with that crap weekly.

I appreciate she thinks I have the patience of Mother Theresa, but the reality is I'm a redhead. No, Homey don't play that. I try to nip misbehavior in the bud- preferably with humor and distraction.

*Hubby thought it was hilarious I'd gone ghetto (he'd never seen Homey D. Clown) so, thought I better change the picture.

Automation Salvation

The powers that be decided to automate the backroom. Jettsons here we come. Envision a conveyor belt that sorts library materials into separate bins! It would take up the entire back room but that's the price of progress.

A few minor problems: We need about 12 bins, it would do 6. Oh, and all those DVDs and CDs? Yeah, they need to be hand checked to make sure they have the media in the cases. Damaged materials? Mhmm, gotta have eyeballs for that too.

Who sells this stuff anyway? They must have Hypno-glasses or something. I wondered why the managers were clucking at our last meeting. Sometimes it would be helpful if the upper echelon asked the peons for our input.

Final Word: I was thrilled to hear the configuration of our backroom wouldn't work with the conveyor belt. Sometimes fate intercedes on your behalf.

Flu Fighters

"I have a bunch of fines I need to pay. The kids have had the flu and this is the first chance I've had to get over here."

She proffers me the Germ Delivery Device- her library card. I try not to cringe as I take the card. Too bad I left my haz mat suit in the locker. I wonder how long I can hold my breath?

As soon as the coast is clear, I casually make my way to the gallon size pump of salvation. Thank you, Germ-X. I breathe easier just knowing you're here.

In Good Company

Okay, so I went to get my hair colored. (Just admit it, it's not like you didn't notice.) This time I decided to change the color a little since my coworker co-opted my previous color.

It just struck me as weird to walk around with matching hair. Guess I'm not much of a team player. I didn't even coordinate outfits with friends in high school.

Anyway, as you can see, I went a little darker. It looked good on the plastic ring of hair I used as my guide. But now, here I sit with more matching hair woes, only this time Ronald McDonald and Bozo have kindred coiffures.

I'll be avoiding stripes and polka dots for a while.

Code Name: The Bearded Man

Queenie called the library today.
"This is Queenie. I need to talk to the bearded man on the computers."

I responded with the appropriate code phrase.
"The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains."

Okay, I didn't really but who calls the library, expects to be known and demands to speak to the bearded man on the computer? She was lucky there was only one bearded man. He was not so fortunate. I would recommend he shave the beard.

Mysterious Outbreak Among Playgroup

Just as suddenly as it occurred, the mysterious outbreak has cleared leaving behind a telltale rash of overdue library fines. Women have swarmed the library claiming hospitalizations for their children are the root cause of overdue materials.

The children have recovered but only a heartless miser would extract payment for the period in question. That ten cents a day is downright disgraceful. How can I sleep at night? Soon, they'll be calling me Jimmy the Torch.

As any concerned parent would, I offered to waive the usurious fees. I pulled up the account and with a light heart waived the outstanding two dollar fines accrued. My halo glowed as I basked in good will and solidarity.

"What about the rest of the fines on the account?"
"Um, those would be previous to the hospitalization."
"Oh, right. So, I still have to pay them?"

Young Love

"Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?" At yon library, "studying" with Juliet- they study a lot at the library. I'm sure mom and dad are thrilled they have taken up such an interest in books. What an exceptionally studious young man and to think we misjudged him so!

The two young lovers can't seem to stay away from the Adult Fiction section (technically they should be in Adult Nonfiction 822.33 shakespe). But apparently, they haven't yet read the play or they'd get out now before it was too late. Maybe it's a simple misunderstanding of the term "Adult".

We get occasional complaints from other patrons made uncomfortable by the couple's magnetic hips and lips. I take the "louder is better approach" and make like an elephant before approaching the balcony. Sometimes I am rewarded with a pause in activities. Other coworkers have tried: being direct, shame, supervision, or the "ignore it and it will go away (in 9 months)" approach. I can't say which is better but what I can say is- be suspicious when your youngster shows a sudden and inexplicable interest in the library. Perhaps, come browse the Adult Fiction section occasionally, unannounced.

Unicorns and Cougars

A boy of about 11 came to the desk. "Excuse me. I need to find some books on the transmission of a 1973 Cougar Mercury. My dad bought it for me for Valentine's Day and now we're working on it together." It was as if I'd seen of a unicorn.

This was one of the training scenarios I was fairly certain I would never encounter in the real world. Almost word for word- except the bit about Valentine's Day. After all, it would require a man asking automotive advice from a librarian. I sensed a set up and looked around me for conspirators. Nope, just one very expectant little boy.

The boy was polite, concise and knew exactly what he wanted and we had an automotive database that met his requirements. Yes, Virginia, there are unicorns.

Child Minder

I'm not sure what this doohicky does but it sure looks spiffy. Maybe it administers a mild shock when the two units get too far away from eachother. Maybe it could be programmed to say things like, "No, Jimmy don't climb on the bookcases you could fall and hurt yourself."

Or you could just not leave your toddler unsupervised with the children's videos while you browse. (Nope, leaving the four year old in charge doesn't count.) True, he was entertained while pulling out all the videos on one shelf. Fun times for all.

And I appreciated that when you noticed me come over, you picked him up. But, oops, you must have forgotten to pick up the mess your child left. Yep, we kind of have to keep everything in its place. We get a little persnickety when we have to keep track of thousands of items. I mean it's not like we just have to look after one or two.

*FYI the playlist may not always reflect the post. Sadly, if it's always on topic it stinks. So, this one is a personal reference.

Inappropriate Sharing

A word to the wise: NEVER begin a funny anecdote with "my cousin is severely handicapped" (he's a very funny guy). And when you notice that goes over like a lead balloon, whatever you do, DON'T forge ahead by mentioning male genitalia! Trust me on this, you severely misjudged your audience. STOP already. It doesn't help that he says "hi" to a little old lady.
And, sadly, her reply just isn't enough to carry all the collateral damage- but I still think it's pretty funny.

"Oh, isn't that sweet. He's saying happiness!"

*Just take my word for it and DON'T share with your co-workers, who will give you strange looks and question your sense of humor.

Be Kind to Your Servers

A lovely woman called the library to see why she couldn't download audio books. Alas, she is not a resident. That means she does not contribute to our resource pool. But as a courtesy, we allow use of the facilities and 10 items to be checked out for such patrons.

She was extremely upset by our policy. Her solution was to tell her home library to curtail privileges for our towns patrons. Fair is fair. Indeed.

Had I been feeling a bit more devious, an imperceptible bump in our conversation could have sent us on a different course. I would have been extremely helpful and used the mirroring skills I learned in countless training classes.

I understand your sentiments completely. It must be very frustrating. I am just so sorry you are that unhappy with our services. I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you, I'm just going to go right ahead and delete your account. There. No. No, need to thank me. Happy I could help. You just have a great day! Oh, sure. My name is Bula.

Call me crazy, but there is a reason you are coming to our library. Perhaps a more constructive approach would be to ask your library to update their own system and buy their own e resources.

Oh, and lady would you mind getting out of our meeting room on time. We still close at the same time, every single Friday night. And, yes, there are other places we'd like to be.

Mixed Tape

Back in the day, you didn't make a mixed tape just for anyone. And if you got a mixed tape, it wasn't just a mixed tape, it was a mystery. What exactly did "Sister Christian" mean as the second song on the B side?

So I'm a little confused. A patron has now made me two CD mixes. A Valentine's Day Mix (duplicated from his girlfriend's copy) and an all jazz mix (Get 'er Done Mix-for house cleaning-not making this up).

He makes no secret of his S.O. He seems like a really nice guy. But let's just say I get a gold star when it comes to misinterpreting mixed tapes. It's a miracle I married. So, I'm asking you- weird or nice? What's a gal to do?

On second thought, what does it matter? I'm not a thirteen year old girl anymore. Empathy get thee hence.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever U Are

To the novice Scrabble player, Q is a valuable tile but worthless without U. Some people need you to screw up so they feel valuable.

You know the ones I'm talking about. They are masters of: the eye roll with throaty exhalation, impatient dismissal (hand wave, back turn), public chastisement, "I'm so busy" walk. Ah, the makings of a leader. I just thank my lucky stars she leads no one but herself. With any actual power she would be ruthless.

Sadly, I'm not much good at the games people play but I've been practicing (avoidance mainly). I'm adding to my list of Q no U words. I continue to use my Qwerty keyboard, focus my Qi and tuck a TranQ in my back pocket. I haven't decided yet if it's for me or her.

Disturbing:

Found: mini bottles and condoms in the mens restroom at a member library. Try as I might, there are very few innocuous scenarios that come to mind. I just hope George Michael was visiting and no one told me.

Gone to the Dogs

Perhaps it's a transplant gone horribly wrong. A rather refined gentleman regularly comes into the library with an unusual accessory. I've never seen him without it. I'm a little puzzled because it complicates checking the catalog or holding books. No, it's not a man purse. He carries his little Jack Russell terrier with him. It's not a helper dog unless being an emotional crutch qualifies. I just don't get it.

Strangers

"Strangers are bad people. If I can't see you, they will take you away and do terrible things to you."

The little blond boy stood in front of the fish tank-- surrounded by strangers. This little guy is about four so a bad person would be someone who: takes his toy, hits him, or gets angry with him. What about the nice man that gives him candy and wants his help finding his puppy?

It's essential to teach your kids about "stranger danger" and personal safety but please do it right. A few months ago, I had a lost child of about 6 in the library. I was wearing my badge, I didn't get too close and squatted down to his level to see if I could help. The poor kid was terrified. He said "NO" loudly and sprinted around the library looking for mom.

The world would be a scary place if all strangers were bad people. If nothing else, teach your little one to ask someone at a desk for help or a woman (sorry men, statistically true). They need to know there are good people, too and how to tell the difference.

Schooled by a 6 year old

"That's really cool."
"We don't say cool."
"What do you say then."
"Lots of words. Words like interesting."
What a smarty pants.
I mean, what a precocious child.

The Download

It was only a matter of time. Runescape was the order of the day but now World of Warcraft calls. The boy was at the library again. Not a lot of entertainment options when you have no wheels and live in a small town. As parents, we adhere to Draconian measures and only allow one hour of computer time at the library. Poor boy. It really stinks mom is there to enforce the rules. So an hour and a half later, he's still at the computer. I gave him the boot.

"But mom, it's not done downloading yet. I haven't even gotten to play!"

Sorry, kid. Even if I believed it took an hour and a half to download WoW, you just wasted that time sitting slack-jawed looking at the monitor. Walk ten feet and a world of books is at your fingertips. Not a book? Perhaps a graphic novel to entice you while you wait. I know, I'm old but I still get the appeal. It looks like a cool game but so many of these kids don't even know how to carry on a conversation or entertain themselves without technology. They come in as soon as school lets out and they're there until the library closes. There may not even be a bathroom break. So, sorry kid but I love ya. Now step away from the monitor.

Goosebumps vs. Romance Novels

Don't ask me if Goosebumps is okay for your kindergartner. You know your kid better than I do and I just haven't gotten around to reading them yet myself. My kids didn't read them but they were sensitive to that stuff.

In elementary school, I, myself, was fascinated with all things supernatural. At one point, my folks barred me from any book dealing with ghosts, witches, or vampires at my school library (I'd read most of them anyway). In hindsight, not the best course because then they also had the allure of "forbidden". Not to mention, I had more time to peruse mom's paperbacks with the covers torn off.

Pop Quiz: Which quote is from Goosebumps and which is from a romance novel?

"I shivered and pulled my jacket closer. "Wait up, Terri!" I called. As usual, she had plowed ahead. Graveyards get her all excited."

"The call girl's naked thigh made a sucking sound on the limousine's black leather upholstery as she scooted her miniskirted bottom closer to President-Elect Ferguson."