Versus

Putting together a "Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood" slide show gave me the chance to ask some questions. Nothing too personal but relevant to patrons. It really was a fascinating little glimpse of my coworkers inner cogs. How much can you tell about a person by their choice of simple things? How did they approach the question/answer?

Versus Question: Einstein or Shakespeare, Stones or Beatles (had to sleep on it), ketchup or mustard, Superman or Spiderman, vanilla or chocolate, call or write, mood ring or Magic 8 ball.

One coworker thought I said "verses" and was able to instantly give me quotes from Einstein and Shakespeare. I was impressed. Sadly, my memory chip lacks the storage capacity for such endeavors. No, no, (I don't require anything I can't do myself) just choose one.

Currently reading: Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder (Not very impressive, I know. If I say I'm reading it for the recipes, is that like saying I read it for the articles?)
Favorite book as a child: A Wrinkle in Time
3 things on my ipod: Backdoor Slam, This American Life podcast, Devil Doll

The Inquisitors

If you can be sure of one thing, it's this--Kids ask questions, lots of questions. (The other is that they say all kinds of things about you in carpool. Things you'd rather not be discussed.)
We talked about Earth Day for Kids Club. I, brilliant strategist that I am, thought I could give a brief intro to Earth Day and move on.

"Earth Day started on April 22nd 1970. I wasn't even born yet."
"Hey, my dad was born in 1953 and my mom was born in 1968. He is 56 and my mom is 41. How old are you?"
"How old do you think I am?"
"50 or something."

"So, Earth Day began because there was an oil spill in the ocean and it was really yucky and bad for the environment and it made people think about taking care of the earth."
"Where did it spill?" "How did it spill?" "How did they clean it up" "How much did it spill? Like a cup or something?"

My 20 second perusal of the internet did not provide me with the specifics. There's no skimming or faking it with these little inquisitors. And I thought they'd just want to read our stories and make rain sticks.

Puppets and Depression: a dangerous mix.

"Hello, everybody (try it in a breathless Marilyn voice). Mind if I sit with you awhile? Nice to meet you (pause, remember to breathe). My name is the emotional bomber (maintain eye contact). Do you have the time (involve the audience)? My watch seems to be broken."

A puppeteering workshop. Craptastic. I just love group role play. Especially when I may break into spontaneous tears in front of coworkers. If my brain were functioning I might be able to play it off as an intentional and wholly rational reaction to Humpty Dumpty. Alas.

The workshop was amazing despite my sullen, introverted appearance, I really was paying attention.

Don't Think So

I went out of town for a little R&R. Apparently while I was out, my sweet little crew transformed into little stinkers. I've got a couple of little guys that get a bit rambunctious but certainly not disrespectful.

My poor replacement got her fill of "NO!" and "we don't want to see your stupid book". I'm not sure she'll be as keen to teach my class next session. She's under the distinct impression that I put up with that crap weekly.

I appreciate she thinks I have the patience of Mother Theresa, but the reality is I'm a redhead. No, Homey don't play that. I try to nip misbehavior in the bud- preferably with humor and distraction.

*Hubby thought it was hilarious I'd gone ghetto (he'd never seen Homey D. Clown) so, thought I better change the picture.

Automation Salvation

The powers that be decided to automate the backroom. Jettsons here we come. Envision a conveyor belt that sorts library materials into separate bins! It would take up the entire back room but that's the price of progress.

A few minor problems: We need about 12 bins, it would do 6. Oh, and all those DVDs and CDs? Yeah, they need to be hand checked to make sure they have the media in the cases. Damaged materials? Mhmm, gotta have eyeballs for that too.

Who sells this stuff anyway? They must have Hypno-glasses or something. I wondered why the managers were clucking at our last meeting. Sometimes it would be helpful if the upper echelon asked the peons for our input.

Final Word: I was thrilled to hear the configuration of our backroom wouldn't work with the conveyor belt. Sometimes fate intercedes on your behalf.

Flu Fighters

"I have a bunch of fines I need to pay. The kids have had the flu and this is the first chance I've had to get over here."

She proffers me the Germ Delivery Device- her library card. I try not to cringe as I take the card. Too bad I left my haz mat suit in the locker. I wonder how long I can hold my breath?

As soon as the coast is clear, I casually make my way to the gallon size pump of salvation. Thank you, Germ-X. I breathe easier just knowing you're here.

In Good Company

Okay, so I went to get my hair colored. (Just admit it, it's not like you didn't notice.) This time I decided to change the color a little since my coworker co-opted my previous color.

It just struck me as weird to walk around with matching hair. Guess I'm not much of a team player. I didn't even coordinate outfits with friends in high school.

Anyway, as you can see, I went a little darker. It looked good on the plastic ring of hair I used as my guide. But now, here I sit with more matching hair woes, only this time Ronald McDonald and Bozo have kindred coiffures.

I'll be avoiding stripes and polka dots for a while.

Code Name: The Bearded Man

Queenie called the library today.
"This is Queenie. I need to talk to the bearded man on the computers."

I responded with the appropriate code phrase.
"The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains."

Okay, I didn't really but who calls the library, expects to be known and demands to speak to the bearded man on the computer? She was lucky there was only one bearded man. He was not so fortunate. I would recommend he shave the beard.

Mysterious Outbreak Among Playgroup

Just as suddenly as it occurred, the mysterious outbreak has cleared leaving behind a telltale rash of overdue library fines. Women have swarmed the library claiming hospitalizations for their children are the root cause of overdue materials.

The children have recovered but only a heartless miser would extract payment for the period in question. That ten cents a day is downright disgraceful. How can I sleep at night? Soon, they'll be calling me Jimmy the Torch.

As any concerned parent would, I offered to waive the usurious fees. I pulled up the account and with a light heart waived the outstanding two dollar fines accrued. My halo glowed as I basked in good will and solidarity.

"What about the rest of the fines on the account?"
"Um, those would be previous to the hospitalization."
"Oh, right. So, I still have to pay them?"

Young Love

"Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo?" At yon library, "studying" with Juliet- they study a lot at the library. I'm sure mom and dad are thrilled they have taken up such an interest in books. What an exceptionally studious young man and to think we misjudged him so!

The two young lovers can't seem to stay away from the Adult Fiction section (technically they should be in Adult Nonfiction 822.33 shakespe). But apparently, they haven't yet read the play or they'd get out now before it was too late. Maybe it's a simple misunderstanding of the term "Adult".

We get occasional complaints from other patrons made uncomfortable by the couple's magnetic hips and lips. I take the "louder is better approach" and make like an elephant before approaching the balcony. Sometimes I am rewarded with a pause in activities. Other coworkers have tried: being direct, shame, supervision, or the "ignore it and it will go away (in 9 months)" approach. I can't say which is better but what I can say is- be suspicious when your youngster shows a sudden and inexplicable interest in the library. Perhaps, come browse the Adult Fiction section occasionally, unannounced.

Unicorns and Cougars

A boy of about 11 came to the desk. "Excuse me. I need to find some books on the transmission of a 1973 Cougar Mercury. My dad bought it for me for Valentine's Day and now we're working on it together." It was as if I'd seen of a unicorn.

This was one of the training scenarios I was fairly certain I would never encounter in the real world. Almost word for word- except the bit about Valentine's Day. After all, it would require a man asking automotive advice from a librarian. I sensed a set up and looked around me for conspirators. Nope, just one very expectant little boy.

The boy was polite, concise and knew exactly what he wanted and we had an automotive database that met his requirements. Yes, Virginia, there are unicorns.

Child Minder

I'm not sure what this doohicky does but it sure looks spiffy. Maybe it administers a mild shock when the two units get too far away from eachother. Maybe it could be programmed to say things like, "No, Jimmy don't climb on the bookcases you could fall and hurt yourself."

Or you could just not leave your toddler unsupervised with the children's videos while you browse. (Nope, leaving the four year old in charge doesn't count.) True, he was entertained while pulling out all the videos on one shelf. Fun times for all.

And I appreciated that when you noticed me come over, you picked him up. But, oops, you must have forgotten to pick up the mess your child left. Yep, we kind of have to keep everything in its place. We get a little persnickety when we have to keep track of thousands of items. I mean it's not like we just have to look after one or two.

*FYI the playlist may not always reflect the post. Sadly, if it's always on topic it stinks. So, this one is a personal reference.

Inappropriate Sharing

A word to the wise: NEVER begin a funny anecdote with "my cousin is severely handicapped" (he's a very funny guy). And when you notice that goes over like a lead balloon, whatever you do, DON'T forge ahead by mentioning male genitalia! Trust me on this, you severely misjudged your audience. STOP already. It doesn't help that he says "hi" to a little old lady.
And, sadly, her reply just isn't enough to carry all the collateral damage- but I still think it's pretty funny.

"Oh, isn't that sweet. He's saying happiness!"

*Just take my word for it and DON'T share with your co-workers, who will give you strange looks and question your sense of humor.